At some point in my life I developed a slight allergy/major sensitivity to spider bites. As in, if I get bitten, I will wind up with a giant bump where the bite is, hives all over the area, and I will pop a fever like a movie theatre pops popcorn. I may also wind up with other not so fun symptoms depending on the bite. I once got bit behind my knee and couldn’t bend my knee for two days from the swelling and I had the worst headache I had ever felt to date along with having an upset stomach. It sucked.
So now I have some issues when it comes to living with spiders.
Like, I don’t mind if they stay in their corner if they pick a good corner to set up shop in. I’ll even tell them that. If I see a spider is making their home in a spot where they can’t drop down on me and bite me, I’ll let them live and I’ll make them a deal. They stay in their corner and I won’t kill them. But if they come out of their corner, they’re dead.
Which is what happened one night when I went into my bathroom and saw that my friendly corner spider had moved to a new corner over my bathtub. I have enough issues with spiders biting me when I’m dressed. I refused to be naked when a spider could drop down on me and bite me at any time. After years of waxing my lady garden, I’ve caused myself enough pain, thank you very much. I don’t need a spider bite on my boobs, butt, or beyond.
Except the spider was in a corner that I couldn’t reach. For once I wasn’t tall enough to tall person myself out of the situation. He was tucked tightly into a corner so I couldn’t hit him with a book or ball and I didn’t think that I could get him with a broom. What was a damsel in distress like myself to do?
Well, I started swiping Tinder. I simply swiped right until I got match and then I sent them this message:
It took a few tries, but it eventually worked! A guy named Jon replied. He was 6’2″, gave me his ph# and told me to text him. I sent him a text, he replied, and before I knew it, this 6’2″ knight in shining sunglasses was walking into my bathroom to kill a spider for me.
I wish there was more to this story than that, but there isn’t. We sent a few messages back and forth to make sure the other wasn’t a serial killer and then he drove over to my place to kill the spider.
Dude made it look easy too. He simply walked in, we awkwardly hugged each other and then I showed him the spider. Then that was it. My spider slayer helped himself to some toilet paper, then reached up to the hard to reach corner, and quickly squished the spider that had broken our agreement and was holding my bathtub hostage.
It made the best popping noise as the Tinder assassin mashed it into the ceiling with a couple pieces of Extra Soft Charmin.
I know we’re all thinking that this is totally a set up to some insane porn scene, but it wasn’t. He thought I was ridiculous for asking random men to come kill a spider and I thought he was ridiculous for driving over to kill a spider. We both agreed that juice pouches were superior to juice boxes and I had to apologize for my lack of Capri Sun. While he was drinking his juice box he was nice enough to look around my place to make sure there no more spiders and then he returned the wild abyss that is Tinderland, never to be heard from again.
Wherever you are, Tinder Dude, I hope you’re living a good life.
The lesson of this story is that there are decent guys on Tinder, chivalry is definitely not dead, and you never know what you’ll get unless you ask for it.
Also, you shouldn’t try to make deals with spiders since they’ll probably break that deal anyway.