How I gave myself a bleeding nose at 5:30am



I wish I could say that I have my life together. I want to say that my life is going smoothly and I know what I’m doing as an adult. I really want to say that I know how to apply winged eyeliner evenly, can bake chocolate chip cookies as good as my moms, and live a clean and organized life. These are all of the things I wish I could claim for myself, but I can’t.

I’m still trying to figure all of that out.

The truth is, I’m like that meme where everything seems ok on the outside, but deep, down inside my sock is falling off. Except my sock has completely fallen off on to my bedroom floor along with the rest of my closet. The contents of my cupboard have also fallen on my floor, along with several pounds of space junk.


Actual footage of my mess. Not a re-enactment. 

The point is, my place is a mess, I suck at cleaning up after myself, and this is exactly how I wound up with a bleeding nose at 5:30am last week.

Let’s rewind to then. My alarm started freaking out at 5:30am with the quacky duck noise that I like it to make and I immediately tumbled out of bed. It was time to go swimming. I was driven by some article that I’d read where some actor wakes up and immediately gets out of bed to start his day instead of laying in bed. I was also driven by the liter of water that I had chugged the night before to make sure I got out bed. Seriously, nothing is more motivating some vague memory of an article that I read at some point and the fact that I’m about to pee myself.


Also not a re-enactment. Actual mess. 

I refused to fully open my eyes though.

I was exhausted and had no idea why I was doing this to myself. I tumbled out of bed and started the short journey to my bathroom. It takes me all of five or six steps before I’m in my bathroom. So I stepped over the pile of laundry beside my bed. I stepped over my gym bag and then took another step and then my nose was bleeding.

I’d stepped over a pile of stuff on my floor, misjudged the step because my eyes were mostly closed, and then slipped on a pile of laundry.  Instead of bumping off my wall like a sluggish, human bumper car, to spin into my bathroom, I slipped and smacked my face off my wall. Like a wrestler headbutting his opponent in a championship match.

Obviously my wall won that match because I had to get ready to swim with a tampon up my nose.

So yeah, I wake up twice a week at 5:30am to go swimming, and maybe kind of have my life together? Like I have a job, I pay my bills, I go the gym, and I haven’t given myself food poisoning for a very long time. But I also have a messy room, can’t really cook, and sometimes I walk into my local rec centre with a tampon in my nose because I fought my wall and the wall won.

With that said: tampons are great for bleeding noses. You just shove one up the nostril that’s bleeding and you’re good to go. I recommend using a light or regular flow tampon if you have one. Those seem to fit best.