Cream In Your Pants Cake

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It’s the last week of Masturbation Month! I’m all for masturbation and I’m all for taking pleasure in things. Like masturbation because it’s masturbation. Or food because I love food. Especially good food. Especially good food that I didn’t make because I can barely cook and tend to start fires when I do. This is why when my mom told me about Cream in Your Pants Cake, I was curious.

Cream in Your Pants Cake is the chocolate cake that you get from Save On Foods. You go to their bakery section and pick it out and they box it up for you. Then you take it home and enjoy. I don’t actually know what Cream in Your Pants cake is actually called though. It might be Chocolate Tuxedo cake or something. In any event, I recommend that if you have a nearby Save On Foods that you go and get whatever chocolate cake that they have.

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The very first time my mom bought Cream in Your Pants cake home, I was skeptical. My mother was being dramatic. She was just calling it Cream in Your Pants cake to get a rise out of me. There was no way that Cream in Your Pants cake could make me cream in my pants. I mean…I’m very sexually aware of myself and food had never turned me on. The idea of foods being aphrodisiacs seems odd to me, but to each their own right? If you want to slurp oysters and gnaw on weird roots because they’ll increase your libido and put you in the mood, that’s your business.

I can’t judge you because I sometimes write my own porn and my first bite of this Cream in Your Pants Cake made me make some very sexual noises in front of my momma.

We had brought the cake home, had dinner, and it was dessert time. Mom sliced up the cake, scooped us some ice cream and handed us our plates. I was happy because I was getting chocolate cake. I love chocolate cake. I had also just eaten food that my mom had made and she’s a really good cook so there was really nothing wrong with my night. I was living my best life. Good food, good cake, and I was spending time with my family.

Then I took my first bite of this cake and it was like the heavens opened up and sang a sweet, sweet chorus of love, blessings, and orgasms. My whole body came to life as everything started to tingle in a very happy way and I groaned. Not a fake, overly enthusiastic groan. It was a groan of pure, unadulterated pleasure. Yes, my mom was there. That didn’t stop me announcing right away that I had just creamed my pants. It also didn’t stop my mom from yelling “I TOLD YOU SO!”

The cake was moist and so was I.

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Outside of a good massage or a good wank session, nothing has come close to making me feel the way that first bite of Cream in Your Pants Cake did. It was this beautiful explosion of chocolate that shook me to my very core. Since then I’ve had lots of foods that have made me make happy bedroom noises, but there isn’t much that compares to this cake. I love this cake. I would say that I want to bathe in this cake, but that would be a waste. I honestly just want more of this cake.

Or cake in general. I love cake.

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My great grandmother saw me holding sex toys

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May is Masturbation Month so I’m going to tell you about the time I demonstrated sex toys in front of my Great Grandmother.

My Great Grandmother Lizette was an amazing woman. I just called her Grandma though. She passed away in 2014 and I still think about her and the amazing childhood that she gave me. But I sometimes also think about the time that I demonstrated sex toys in front of her. It totally wasn’t just her. It was my mom, my nana (mom’s mom), a few of my aunts, great aunts, childhood teachers, cousins, and a whole lineup of family members that were in attendance for my sex toy demonstration. Basically, it was my family matriarch and a lot of very amazing women that I hold near and dear to my heart watching while I pulled sex toys out of a bag and waved them around.

At the time I was a Passion Party Consultant. I liked to just say that I sold sex toys because I didn’t really attempt to sell the other stuff because it didn’t really interest me and lotions kind of sell themselves. If it smells nice and feels nice, people will buy lotion.

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Lubricant, purple dildos, and g-spot cream on the other hand? That stuff is a bit harder to sell and you really need an enthusiastic audience to get people interested. Now let me me tell you! There is no better audience than Grandma and a room full of women who were mostly there thanks to her. It also helped that this audience likes to support me in all of my antics no matter what they are. Even if those antics involve me handing a giant purple dildo around the room and telling them to turn it on and touch it to their noses because if you like how it feels on your nose then you’ll like how it feels on your downtown.

So Grandma watched me pull toy after toy out of my little bag of tricks and hand them around the room. She chuckled and didn’t give my nana or my mom any disapproving looks so I was happy to carry on demonstrating all my lotions, toys, and whatnots to 4 generations of my family. They as listened and watched me handle phallic objects like an obvious pro, they tested lotion, smelled perfume, and they even watched me demonstrate the water-based lubricant  my company sold.

Now, the upside of water-based lube is that it’s fairly cheap, and safe to use with condoms and/or sex toys. However, water-based lube can dry up rather quickly or get absorbed quickly. Which can be a bit of a downer if you have to constantly keep reaching for the ol’ bottle o’lube. This was something that I professionally stated to my very supportive audience. But the good thing about water-based lubricants is that they can be easily reactivated with water. Or spit.

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While I was explaining all of this to the women who were trapped in the room with me, I was rubbing the before mentioned water-based lubricant between my fingers to dry it up. I slowly worked it between my fingers while talking about the texture of the lube, how it more or less just dried up and shouldn’t stain anything or create a huge mess if it got places it shouldn’t. Once it was all dried up, I looked nervously at Grandma, my nana, my mom, and all of the wonderful women who had watched me grow into the woman I was then and the woman I am today. Then I promptly spit into my hand and gleefully held it up to show how easy it was reactivate water-based lube.

My grandma saw it all. When she didn’t tell me to go cut my own switch, I realized…this was ok. My love for sex, masturbation, and things that go buzz in the night were all ok. I mean, if my grandma didn’t scold me for this then only the gods could judge me at that point. Considering the fact that my grandma was a force of nature on her own, I’m pretty sure that even a god wouldn’t judge me. So this was ok. Sex toys, masturbation, and sex in general…it was all normal. It was all ok. Or at least that’s what I decided to think after letting my grandma witness me waving sex toys all around the room and not judging me, but also still loving me for exactly who I was. Never mind that my hands were covered in spit and lube.

Happy Masturbation Month, everyone!