It’s 5:29am. I have to be awake at 6:10am to get ready to leave the house at 7:15am to coach volleyball at 8:30am. I woke up just past 5am and I should have gone right back to sleep. I should be getting another hour of sleep right now. Except I’m not and it’s because my boobs tried to kill me.
I’ll type that again for you in case you think you’re reading wrong: MY BOOBS TRIED TO KILL ME.
Initially I though this would be a cheeky Facebook status, but then I realized it needed some explaining. I also haven’t blogged in a week so this will be my weekly post. It works out, yo.
I usually don’t have any issues falling asleep and will usually fall asleep on my tummy or side and sleep for a solid 4 hours. Except last night was a really stressful drive home for me because I had two teenagers in the car with me for the hour long drive and, thanks to the rain, the entire highway was Hydroplane City. I spent the entire drive home gripping the wheel and tediously steering the car around long stretches of puddles because I was terrified of crashing with the girls in the car with me. Normally, driving in the rain is no big deal to me. I like to drive. I like the rain. Put the two together with a good playlist and you’ve got yourself a good time. I’m a confident enough driver, and a good enough driver that I can handle hydroplaning and a drive home at night in the rain shouldn’t be a big deal. Unless there are two teenage girls in the car with me who I’m terrified for if something unexpectedly bad should happen. Sure, these girls are also my younger cousins and their mum totally knows that I’m slightly insane at this point, but she seems to trust me with her children. It shouldn’t be a big deal. Except it was. So I spent the entire drive home, gripping the wheel and doing my best to drive around the massive puddles that had formed on the highway. I didn’t want to have to do a Carrie Underwood and let Jesus take the wheel.
Anyway. I got home and I was really wound up from this stressful, but successful, drive home. I was really agitated and amped up from the drive and ended up tossing and turning and making Instagram posts until 1am. I eventually passed out while laying on my back while reading Alice in Wonderland.
Skip to 4 hours later and it’s just past 5am and I’m dreaming that a giant assed bird has put me in her nest and is sitting on me and her feathers are smothering. In my dream I am slowly being suffocated to death by this birds ass feathers. I start to panic because I actually am having a hard time breathing. I can’t breathe. Why am I struggling to breathe? I need to get this dumb birds butt away from me because her feathers are covering my nose and…
My eyes snap open. I’m awake. I’m still struggling to breathe.
WHY CAN’T I BREATHE?!
I’m about to panic and scream for my mom.
Then I fully awake up and realize that in my sleep I have shifted around in my sleep so that I’m on my back and my tits are in my face. My eyes focus and the light from the hallway lets me see…well, my boobs. All I can see are my chesticles and somehow they have moved to partially cover my nose and mouth. My tatas had basically moved so that my nose and mouth were mostly buried in their fleshy depths.
I’m not even sure how this is a thing. Yes, my boobs are big and I make jokes about how if I run with no sports bra on I can potentially knock myself out, but I never thought my boobs were big enough that if I slept in just right right position that I could potentially smother myself. So yeah, my boobs can totally kill me if they try hard enough.
But that also means I can totally motorboat myself if I really want to.