It’s the last week of Masturbation Month! I’m all for masturbation and I’m all for taking pleasure in things. Like masturbation because it’s masturbation. Or food because I love food. Especially good food. Especially good food that I didn’t make because I can barely cook and tend to start fires when I do. This is why when my mom told me about Cream in Your Pants Cake, I was curious.
Cream in Your Pants Cake is the chocolate cake that you get from Save On Foods. You go to their bakery section and pick it out and they box it up for you. Then you take it home and enjoy. I don’t actually know what Cream in Your Pants cake is actually called though. It might be Chocolate Tuxedo cake or something. In any event, I recommend that if you have a nearby Save On Foods that you go and get whatever chocolate cake that they have.
The very first time my mom bought Cream in Your Pants cake home, I was skeptical. My mother was being dramatic. She was just calling it Cream in Your Pants cake to get a rise out of me. There was no way that Cream in Your Pants cake could make me cream in my pants. I mean…I’m very sexually aware of myself and food had never turned me on. The idea of foods being aphrodisiacs seems odd to me, but to each their own right? If you want to slurp oysters and gnaw on weird roots because they’ll increase your libido and put you in the mood, that’s your business.
I can’t judge you because I sometimes write my own porn and my first bite of this Cream in Your Pants Cake made me make some very sexual noises in front of my momma.
We had brought the cake home, had dinner, and it was dessert time. Mom sliced up the cake, scooped us some ice cream and handed us our plates. I was happy because I was getting chocolate cake. I love chocolate cake. I had also just eaten food that my mom had made and she’s a really good cook so there was really nothing wrong with my night. I was living my best life. Good food, good cake, and I was spending time with my family.
Then I took my first bite of this cake and it was like the heavens opened up and sang a sweet, sweet chorus of love, blessings, and orgasms. My whole body came to life as everything started to tingle in a very happy way and I groaned. Not a fake, overly enthusiastic groan. It was a groan of pure, unadulterated pleasure. Yes, my mom was there. That didn’t stop me announcing right away that I had just creamed my pants. It also didn’t stop my mom from yelling “I TOLD YOU SO!”
The cake was moist and so was I.
Outside of a good massage or a good wank session, nothing has come close to making me feel the way that first bite of Cream in Your Pants Cake did. It was this beautiful explosion of chocolate that shook me to my very core. Since then I’ve had lots of foods that have made me make happy bedroom noises, but there isn’t much that compares to this cake. I love this cake. I would say that I want to bathe in this cake, but that would be a waste. I honestly just want more of this cake.
Or cake in general. I love cake.