I Killed a Spider


i see pride

I am a strong, independent woman. I live alone, I can kind of cook for myself, I can put out fires all on my own, and as long as I don’t have to kill spiders or care for myself when I’m sick, I am great at living single life. I am basically that one scene from Cool Runnings in real life.

Anyway, as per my usual Friday night shenanigans, I was laying in bed watching a movie. I had my lights out and I was just getting ready to drift off to sleep amid Captain Jack Sparrow announcing that he had a jar of dirt when out of the corner of my eye I saw something huge and very gross skitter down my wall and drop on to the floor. Of course the only light that I had to see it by was my TV so I couldn’t be sure that it was a huge creepy crawly or if it was my hair moving around in the shadows. Sometimes it really is my hair and I’ll immediately want to shave my head to avoid future terrors.

This time though? I couldn’t be sure. Was I sleepy and just seeing things? Or was there a spider skittering off somewhere to lie in wait for me to bite me and not give me any neat super powers? Because the only things I get from spider bites are rashes and horrible bumps that hurt to touch.

Just to be sure that it wasn’t my crazy mass of curls going bonkers in the light of my laptop, I turned my light on and looked around for a large spider with hairy legs. I saw nothing. Except I was still convinced that I saw something, so I left my light on. In that moment I was hoping to all deities that what I saw was a combination of my sleepy mind and my frizzball hair. There is no way that something that huge could be in my bedroom. However, I was still going to sleep with my light on. Just in case. Or maybe I woul-


I saw it go scuttling across my bedroom floor and into my bathroom. It had long, spindly legs, a giant body, and it was making a break for the bathroom like it had eaten its weight in laxatives and it’s butt was about to explode with spider turds.

In summary, I had not mistaken my curly, crazy hair for a spider. The spider was a spider.


In that moment I decided that I needed a booty call. Except instead of coming over for sex, they would come over and kill spiders for me at 1am. No questions asked. No expectations. They would just walk in, I would point the creepy crawly out, then they would kill it and leave. Maybe they would cuddle me after if it was a particularly huge spider. This spider killing booty call has been one of my longest standing wishes and one of the few reasons that I would get into a relationship. I would marry the person who promised to always kill spiders for me. I’m willing to settle for a friends with spider killing benefits situation though.

But with no one else to kill the spider for me, it was up to me to blast “Eye of the Tiger” and go kill the thing. It took me a solid 5 minutes to root the thing out from behind the toilet and kill it, but it eventually died a horrible death after I sprayed it in place with extra strength hair spray and squished it.

As I knelt over the dead creepy crawly I couldn’t help but consider the problems of frizzy hair and single life. I considered shaving my head, but my skull is super lumpy and I don’t want a potato head, so I won’t be doing that. After that I considered being in a relationship, but then I realized that I was dressed in boxers pulled up to my tits with a scarf tied around my head as a sweatband and…well, I also realized that I’m not ready to give up single life either.

But hey, if you’re reading this and want to kill spiders for me at 1am, hit me up.


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