The Only Adult You Have

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I had a really weird experience this past summer. Not weird in the “weird is wonderful” way, but more in the “oh shit, this is actually a thing now” way. This past summer I was employed as a Youth Program Coordinator and thus got to run an entire summer program that I organized, hired for, and this whole thing was more or less my baby. And I did it all with next to no supervision. Let’s fast forward past all of the shenanigans that I got up to over the summer to one sunny day on Clearwater Lake.

I was out with some older youth for my community and some youth from another community on a canoe journey. A couple of my camp leaders and I were unpacking and setting up our dinner area while a group of people went out on the lake for another canoe ride (paddle? I’m not sure. I’m one of those bad Canadians that doesn’t like canoeing and can’t ice skate). That was ok though because my camp leaders were basically the most amazing teenagers I could have possibly ever asked to work with. We all knew what to do and we were all pretty chill about getting everything set up. Everyone more or less had a job and they were doing it.

But in the middle of all of that a stranger wandered into our camp and I didn’t notice him right away. The only reason why I noticed him was because my Senior Camp Leader called out my name and said there was a guy in our camp. Out of instinct I looked around for an adult to notify that there was a stranger in our camp…

Then I realized that my SCL had let me know because I was the only adult around.

Not only was I the only adult around, but I was a trusted adult. A responsible adult. The adultiest adult around and I probably could have given one of my leaders a time out and they would have listened because that’s how adult I was. I was an adult with the power of the time out. Except I didn’t do that.

Instead I talked to the stranger who was friends with a lady who was staying in camp with us and then he left. Then I told my SCL that she had better eat all of the chocolate we bought because it was her insane idea to buy like a million giant bars of it. Except she didn’t and now we have a positively mad amount of chocolate kicking about my office that I may or may not make her eat

I might just make my SCL eat the insane amount of chocolate we bought. But not really. Because that would be irresponsible and I'm a responsible adult now.

I might just make my SCL eat the insane amount of chocolate we bought. But not really. Because that would be irresponsible and I’m a responsible adult now.

It was a really weird feeling. I mean, I’m 28-years-old now so I clearly know that I’m adult and I do things to take care of myself, sometimes I have a job, and well, I do adult stuff like go to my friends house and sip wine while eating off actual plates with nice utensils and not the cute plastic animal shaped utensils I bought for $3 at Wal-Mart. This feeling though, it was new. It made me realize I’m in a whole new world of something else. Dudes, parents leave their kids alone with me with the full expectation and trust that I won’t let their children die or be severely maimed on my watch. And I can put those kids in time-out if I really want to. Though I won’t actually do that without reason. So far I’ve actually only given 5 time-outs and they were all for good reasons and I had some very nice chats with those kids about behaving because I don’t like seeing them bored and not having fun in time-out.

Because guess what, kiddo? I may not be the best adult around, but I’m the only one you’ve got right now. And it’s a damn weird feeling. Like panic and pride mixed into one. Being an adult is weird. Especially when you drive kids places and they all sit in the back seat and you get stuck in a scene from Driving Miss Daisy. 

 

Yocumtown, PA – I’m going here

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We all know that I’m a horrible blogger. I have issues with consistency. I think part of that comes from never really knowing what to write and just waiting for inspiration to jump out at me and slap me across the face. I had hoped something would slap me across the fact this week, but it didn’t. Probably because it was too polite and quietly stood in the corner, politely waiting for me to notice it. Except I didn’t because I’m a rude asshole. Instead, I wound up asking my the other two Turdettes what I should write about tonight.

Of course I happened to ask them when we were in the middle of a conversation about Yocumtown…

IMG_6548Haylee said I should Google the town and write a blog about it. So I did. And we continued on to talk about farts. While we discussed farts that echo, I learned that Yocumtown was named after Elijah Yocum and that a man drowned in a spring in that area because he was leaning down to get a drink and fell in.

Naturally I just want to go there and have an orgasm because when I saw the name of the town all I saw was “YO! CUM” and I was all like “That’s a bit creepy and demanding, but ok.” I’ve now decided that when Haylee and I go and visit Lisa (She’s from PA), we’re going to insist that she take us there. Then I’m going to insist that I get some quiet alone time. I don’t know if Haylee will let me have that quiet alone time though. Haylee likes to make me poop with her nearby because it helps me get over being a nervous pooper…

This is basically what Haylee does when she finds out that you're a nervous pooper. She claims to be helping. I think she's just a weird perv.

This is basically what Haylee does when she finds out that you’re a nervous pooper. She claims to be helping. I think she’s just a weird perv.

Unfortunately my friendship with Lisa and Haylee will probably get a little weird when we visit Yocumtown because they’ll both think that I’m pooping or want to poop and will refuse to leave me alone. Except I won’t be pooping. I have plans that I mean to stick to while I visit Yocumtown and nothing will stop me.

Seriously, guys, if we ever go to Yocumtown, I’m going to need like 15 minutes to myself. I may be pooping. I may be masturbating. I’m not sure yet because it would be hard to turn down getting some quiet time to myself to have a nice poop, but it would also be nice to accomplish my now perverted idea. I guess we will have to wait and see or hire a fortune teller and hope that they don’t shiv us in the face and take all of our money. We want to hire a nice fortune teller.

I’m sure Yocumtown is a perfectly lovely place and they’ve probably heard all of the jokes by now. Someday, I’ll visit there and I’m sure that I will give it a very nice review and take a ton of pictures. Again, we will need a fortune teller to know.

I really need to go and start Google searching fortune tellers now. I hope they’re on yelp.

I held a new born baby!

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When I came home this past Christmas, I met up with my friends in town to see the Kamloops Wild Lights Show. At first I got lost in the Park and Amber had to come find me.  After being away from home for 84 days, I was stoked to see her. I was even more stoked when she hugged me and said about one of the most awesome things that I’ve ever heard…

“You’re going to be an aunty.”

I’ve never understood girls who jump and scream until that moment. I always thought it was silly that these women felt the need to jump around screaming for whatever reasons they need to jump and scream. Well now I understand. I was very excited to find out that a) Amber was pregnant and, b) I was going to be an aunty! I wanted to jump and scream and punch the air because I was *that* happy.

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Mason rocking the Welsh rugby jersey I brought back for him!

Amber was due in July and before I knew it I was waking up to a text telling me about this new little guy Mason. That’s right! I have a nephew and his name is Mason and he’s pretty much perfect. He is so perfect that I actually held him! In the past, if my friends wanted me to chill with their newborns I would lie on my tummy on the floor and then have them put their baby on the floor with me. Then the baby and I would hangout and chat for a while. Mason gets to be different because even though I won’t be around all that much, I plan to make sure he at least likes me by bribing him with adventures and shenanigans.

Read: I totally held the newest baby that I’ve ever held in my entire life! I’ve never in my life held a baby that was that fresh from the uterus. I mean he wasn’t fresh fresh from there, but he was still really new and I held him.

Amber had me sit down on her couch and she put this weird pillow thing on my lap that wrapped around me and laid her child in my arm. This pillow thing is effing magic. Mason chilled on the pillow and I held him at the same time and it was pretty great. And by “chilled”, I very much mean this little guy just chilled out. No crying or screaming or anything insane that would further convince me that I never want children ever. Instead my nephew and I just hung out and I admired and marveled at how cute he was.

Though I did freak out every time he moved or made a noise. I think I should get points for loving the little guy enough that I was terrified of something happening where he might get hurt.

I also said lots of silent thank you’s that he wasn’t an ugly baby. Though I should have known better. Amber and her husband are good looking people. Except some newborns just look weird at first. In any event, Mason is about as awesome and cute as any baby can be and I can say that honestly.

Magical is definitely going to be a cliché that I’m going to use to describe how awesome that evening was for me. I got to hang out with two friends that I rarely get to see while I held my adorable nephew. It was very weird and amazing that I was holding this little dude knowing that I was going to see him grow up.

I’m one of the worst friends in the world to have because I only see Amber, Brittany, and a few of my other friends from high school once or twice a year. I’m trying to be better about that, but life gets busy. It doesn’t mean I love them less or anything like that, it just means that I have to make the best of the time that I do get with them. Hopefully now that I’m not in school I’ll be able to make more time to see them. And Mason.

Well, I also plan to see Amber too. I think her and Mason are a package deal for now. This is perfect because Amber is always that friend who makes time to see me and always greets me with open arms and hugs that make me feel like I’m the most amazing person in the world. Amber time is best time.

Hopefully Mason will someday feel the same way for me that I feel about his mom.

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He doesn’t know it yet, but Mason already has me wrapped around his finger.

Mason, you’re just little right now and you can’t read and I’m kind of still scared of holding you, but I promise to be that crazy aunt that randomly appears ready to roll in the mud with you and get up to shenanigans. Maybe we can colour and have a snack together too. I’m not going to be around as much as I like, but I do promise that when I do visit, we’re going to have fun. Maybe when you’re a bit older your mom will send you off for sleepovers with me. But for now, I’m ok with holding you and watching you grow. Also, if you really need me, I promise to move mountains to be there. Serious kid, I’ll blow shit up for you if I have to.

Except don’t ask me to blow stuff up. That’s probably how I end up in jail or accidentally starting a dictatorship. I’ll be there for you, ok? We’ll just leave it at that for now. We’ll call blowing shit up “Plan Zeta Red”, kay? Kay. We got this.