As per my usual Saturday night/Sunday morning shenanigans, I was laying in bed watching a movie on my laptop. I had my lights out and I was just getting ready to drift off to sleep amid Captain Jack Sparrow announcing that he had a jar of dirt when out of the corner of my eye I saw something huge and very creepy crawl skitter down my curtain. Of course the only light that I had to see it by was my laptop so I couldn’t be sure that it was a huge creepy crawly or if it was my hair moving around in the shadows. Sometimes it really is my hair. I have had total and complete freak outs because I’ve felt my hair brush across my back and I think a giant head louse is about to make the very tiny hairs on my shoulders home. It feels disgusting and it’s why I hate when men try and make out with the back of my neck. Just to be sure that it wasn’t my crazy mass of curls going bonkers in the light of my laptop, I turned my lamp on and looked around for a large spider with hairy legs. I saw nothing. Except I was still convinced that I saw something, so I left my lamp on.
I hope hope hoped that what I saw was a combination of my imagination and my frizz ball hair. There is no way that something that huge could be in my bedroom. However, I was still going to sleep with my lamp on. Just in case. Or maybe I woul-
OH DEAR FREAKING JEEBUS THAT THING IS HUGE!
I saw it come scooting from the space between my wall and mattress and across the top corner of my mattress.
What came over me, I’ll never know, but I screamed. I screamed bloody murder as I slapped that clambering mess of legs off of my bed. Then I proceeded to freak out very loudly as I scrambled to stand up on my bed and try to peek onto the floor where I thought it was. While this isn’t verbatim, the gist of my freak out went like this “Eew! Eew! Eew! Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! Grossgrossgrossgross!” Of course my brave cat, Chicken Little, who had been sleeping until the screaming and hopping around on my bed happened, looked over the edge of my bed where I was looking and gave me this very happy look. It was the look of a stone cold torturer ready to be tagged into the action so she could prepare her late night snack. I waited a solid 10 seconds, mentally imploring her to see the spider and eat it.
It didn’t happen. Chicken didn’t spring into action and I feared that the giant thing with enough legs to make a good Hentai pornographic film had escaped and I was going to have to hunt it down. Bravely, I got down on my hands and knees and carefully looked over the edge of my bed.
Excuse the messy floor and potato quality of the photo, but that was the best picture that I could get of him alive. Yes, that was him, sitting there and being very still. Apparently Chicken Little is like a t-rex and if you stay very very still, she can’t see you. So I bravely picked up a sock off of my bedroom floor and I squished it.
This time, I’ll ask you to please excuse the dirty sock and to focus on the monstrous thing that I had to kill on my own. Yes, I had to kill it on my own because despite the screaming, the freaking out, and the crashing about that resulted from squishing the spider, my mom didn’t wake up. She sleeps right across the hallway from me and I’m pretty sure she didn’t even stir while I battled this thing. Just like any real superhero, I saved my household from certain yuckiness scampering about in a rampant fashion and no one noticed. Because my mom will wake up for my dog barking or my cat meowing, but she won’t wake up for my screams of terror.
Apparently I need to learn to meow.