Is That Candy?


I’ve had my tongue pierced for a number of years. Originally I wore crazy metal tongue “rings” that looked like lady bugs, skulls, and even the shoe from Monopoly. Some were rainbow coloured and some were just plain purple. I had one that looked like Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Except I chipped my teeth on them fairly often and eventually my friend (the dental hygienist) recommended that I put a plastic “ring” in. Now I have a metal bar with a neon green bead on top and a half orange, half blue glittery ball on the bottom.

Toddlers and kids think that my top green bead is candy.

And toddlers and young children are weirdly quick for not having fully developed motor skills.

This leads into the other week when I went out for coffee with a friend who I haven’t seen in a long time. Of course we haven’t seen each other because she’s now a mother of three kids, two boys (5 and 4) and a girl (2). Oh, and by “coffee” I mean that she got coffee and I got a bottle of water because we went to McDonalds so that her kids could play in the play place while we caught up. I was totally ok with this because I think the play places you see in some fast food joints are awesome and I will naturally play on them with the kids until an employee threatens to kick me out of the restaurant to make me behave myself.

After I was threatened with security, I settled down to actually chat with my friend. Her already tired 2 year old daughter wound up sitting in my lap so she could fiddle with my lip ring while she sucked her thumb and went to sleep. I loved the kid because I’m always a fan of fellow thumb suckers, so I let her chill and fall asleep while my friend threatened her other two off spring with time-outs for boxing with each other and trying to involve the other kids playing with them.

We were in the middle of talking about grocery shopping (I actually enjoy grocery shopping) when I hear the sweetest little angel voice say “Candy?” right before the hand of the Devil slammed itself into my mouth and grabbed a hold of my neon green tongue bead. “Momma! Candy!” she screamed while I tried to slurp my tongue down my throat to avoid having it torn out by this demon spawn.

At first I was successful in pulling my tongue away from her greedy little, candy snatching hands. But then she used her other hand to reach into my mouth and push my mouth open so she could use her other hand to try and grab the neon thing that she thought was candy. I didn’t want to hurt her so all I could do was try to lean away from her while trying to hide my tongue in the darkest recesses of my mouth so that she couldn’t grab it and yank it out.

I lost that battle after about five seconds and had no choice by to lean back forward as this devil child tried to pull the candy off my tongue so she could eat it.

This all happened in under fifteen seconds. That’s how long it took for my friend to realize that the kid and I weren’t playing a fun game, but I was instead being tortured by her child trying to rip my tongue from my mouth so she could get a taste of this yummy green candy she saw. Thankfully, my friend saved me before any permanent damage was done.

Less thankfully, that kid now loves me because she thinks I have a never ending Gobstopper in my mouth.


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