The First Thing I Learned as a 27-Year Old

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d65478ec02a168b5813e60df1107c463Some of my favourite memories from my teen years were the few nights that I had managed to be out late with my friends on a weekend. Those nights for me were few and far between, but my most favourite nights were the nights that ended with Denny’s. I’m a freak for cheese. In fact, I’m the sort of person that will put $10 worth of cheese into a grilled cheese sammich because cheese is that gloriously awesome. So you can see why I’ve always loved Denny’s mozzarella sticks from the moment my friends introduced them to me. To the teenage me who had a metabolism that wouldn’t quit and an ass that you could bounce a quarter off of (I tested this many many times), these things were harvested in Valhalla and then mailed to Earth by Hermes after being taste tested and approved by God herself.

But there was one thing my friends did, that I never understood until today.

You see, once the choice was made to get these glorious God sticks of yum, my friends would repeatedly say “Smegma” all night. Just “smegma”, confirmed by a “smegma” over and over again. I thought smegma was just another way of saying “cheesy orgasm in your mouth good times” because…well, because the only time we spoke of smegma was when it was time to go and get Denny’s mozzarella sticks. All night I would hear about smegma, smegma, smegma, smegma! And all night I would be looking forward to eating some cheesy God sends. So smegma was a good thing.

Until early this morning I learned what smegma actually was. I was talking to a friend before going to sleep and the word smegma came up and I naturally started babbling about cheese sticks. It was the disgusted noises that clued me in that smegma was not what I thought it was. Smegma was…

smegma

smeg·ma

  [smeg-muh]  

noun

a thick, cheeselike, sebaceous secretion that collects beneath the foreskin or around the clitoris.
Yeah, the very first thing that I learned as a 27-year old is what smegma is. I also learned that I am never going to be able to eat Denny’s mozzarella cheese sticks with as much joy as I used to…because smegma. Yum right?
In closing, I say this to those friends: Thanks, guys.

 

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