Betsy – The One Who Has Ruined Me For Men

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I recently saw this ad on Facebook telling me that if I signed up for this one service I would see the three barriers that keep me from having a healthy and happy relationship. Naturally I jump right at the ad and started mocking it. After I made fun of it’s pathetic attempt to get my credit card info for its boring information, I started thinking about what actually might be my barriers to a great relationship. That’s when I thought of my dog, Betsy.

Meet Betsy:

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Betsy is my families German Shepard-Border Collie cross. She’s 10 years old and is about the happiest and most loving dog anyone can ask for. The only thing Betsy seems to want in her life are treats and love. And she returns those two things by always greeting you with a smile and kisses. She also does what I call “The Doodle Dance” where she gets so happy to see you that she dances and spins on the spot while she waits for you to get close enough so you can jump on her.

Today I was outside playing with Thumper and Betsy and had this conversation with Betsy while Thumper dug another hole in our yard:

Me: Here ya go, Ba-Bets! Bones for you!

Betsy: Bones! For me! Awww! I love you!

Me: Kisses first!

Betsy: *licks my face* I do love you! Scratch my ears!

Me: You’re so pretty Bets. I love you. Do you love me?

Betsy: I love you! Now scratch my tummy!

Me: Tummy rubs! If I grow old and ugly, will you still love me?

Betsy: I’ll always love you! *gives more kisses*

That’s as far as we got in the conversation because Thumper tried to steal Betsy’s treats and she had to go beat her younger sister up for being a brat.

I love Betsy. Over the years she’s loved my family unconditionally. She’s sprawled out on our lawn with me late at night while I contemplated the universe and she got an extended belly rub. She’s watched me rig our front yard hose so that I could drag a sprinkler onto the roof and she’s rolled down the hill with me just for funsies. Betsy has been around for tears, laughs, and every single time I’ve come home from school. She even saw me come home with my first car and then she saw me come home for the first time after I crashed my car.

But most importantly? Betsy has slept with me on cold winter nights when I’ve had a serious case of the farts and she didn’t complain. She just snuggled up beside me and went to sleep despite the fact that it smelled like something had crawled into my ass and died inside of two month old coleslaw. She’s seen me bolt up in the middle of the night with mascara smeared across my face as I bolt to the bathroom with a bleeding nose. My dog has seen me at my absolute worst and most disgusting and she loves me still.

And this is why Betsy has ruined me for men. I know that no matter how hard I look that I will never find someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with who will just be happy to snuggle me even though I’m farting death scent out my ass. I know that I can never meet a man who will see me come home after crashing my car for the first time ever and he’ll be happy to see me and give me kisses. Betsy was just damn happy that I was home, never mind that my car was kind of dented. Then on the nights where we were laying under the stars and contemplating the universe? Betsy always let me make the wish whenever we saw a falling star.

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