Greeting 2014 From My Toilet

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Starting the new year off on the right foot...and on the toilet

Starting the new year off on the right foot…and on the toilet

I probably shouldn’t be amused by the fact that I ended 2013 pooping and started 2014 pooping, but I am.  In my family my dad and whoever else is around, usually my sister, shoot off guns right at midnight to bang in the new year. It felt like I was getting an awesome gun salute as I happily evacuated my bowels.  It’s something that I’ve never done before and hot damn if it shouldn’t be a totally awesome tradition. Except I don’t know if I’ll have to poo at the very end of this year, so I guess I’ll have to wait and see if the tradition carries on. If not, I always remember 2014 as the year I started off with a poop and some bangs outside.

So why was I inside while everyone was outside?

The simple answer is this: I always am during our New Year shenanigans. I used to be terrified of guns (that fear is more or less gone), but I’m just mostly terrified of fireworks. Every time that I’ve been near them, they’ve chased me and it has sucked. I’d rather stay inside with my own New Year traditions like pooping, or reading, like I normally do every year around the time everyone has to hang a new calendar on the wall. This year I was reading “Alice in Wonderland” before I went to take my poop and snap a picture of me starting my New Year “on the right foot.”

Do I have any thoughts now that 2013 has ended?

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Yeah, I mostly happy that I didn’t kill myself this year. 2013 was the year that I set out to teach myself how to cook. And I sort of accomplished that. Yes, I set fire to several pancakes, started two fires in my oven, and burnt rice more times than I care to count, but I’m almost proud to say that I know how to cook some things now. And, ok, I gave myself food poisoning once too. However, the point is that despite the fires, the burnt food, the cookies that you had to dip in milk for several minutes to be able to eat, the fact that I poisoned myself, and the fact that I sometimes forget that I’m allergic to soy, I can now cook several healthy meals for myself. And I am incredibly thankful that I have a mom that makes and freezes food for me that easily heat up on my own because without her I would be forever living off Ramen noodles and Kraft Dinner. Thanks  to her I only have to eat that stuff once or twice a week!

And with the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014, I’m laying in bed typing this post out and I’m wondering if I have any resolutions. I don’t. Mostly I just really don’t want to get food poisoning again. Except I won’t make that a resolution because if I do poison myself again, the last thing I want to think about while I’m living on a toilet is the fact that I couldn’t keep the one resolution that I made. I’m going to try that “post a day” thing again this year and this time I’m really going to try and keep that going. I’m determined to make it work, but at the same time…I try not to cross and burn any bridges until I’ve actually crossed them so uhm..

Cheers to 2013 and hello to 2014.

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