The Shit Facebook Tells Me

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So I realize that it is once again Wednesday and I’m putting a post up. However, Word Press decided to eat yesterday’s post and I rage quit. As a result: Here is Tuesday’s post…a day late. Again.

My younger sister and I communicate quote a bit via Facebook and text message. You can often find the two of us bickering, bantering, and brandishing our verbal swords with each other all over our Facebook posts. Just like the rest of the world, Tiff and I use Facebook to stay in touch, entertain ourselves, and share our lives. Except lately…Facebook has been sending some really weird messages to us. And now that I think about it, Facebook is a bastard because here is what Facebook has been telling me for some time now:

5. YOU’RE GOING TO BE ALONE ALL YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON’T DATE NOW! – I’m pretty sure that Facebook resents my single status just like some of my friends do because it spends just as much time as some of my friends trying to set me up with man after man after man. At first Facebook tried to send me to a website for dating black guys. After I failed to click that link it decided to try and hook me up with cowboys. Now that I use my phone for most of my Facebook needs, I no longer have to look at those sidebar ads. So Facebook spams my news feed with Zoosk. Apparently like 20 of my friends like Zoosk and use it to find great people to date. Personally, I would use it just so I could hone my Body In The Basement Radar. Because Zoosk looks like an awesome website where I can go and see weird naked men showing off their wieners and performing weird North American mating rituals that I’ve never heard of. These are probably the men who have bodies in their basements and I want nothing to do with them except Facebook keeps telling me…

Excuse the typo. I apparently need to proof read my Facebook posts.

Excuse the typo. I apparently need to proof read my Facebook posts.

4. YOU’RE GOING TO BE ALONE ALL YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON’T DATE NOW! – The other day I was scrolling through all the awesome posts that my friends and family make when out of nowhere Facebook told me that I needed to like this page for this blog called “The Spinsterhood Diaries”. Now I’m not knocking this blog because it was really well written, but I was a little offended that Facebook felt the need to really push the message that I’m going to die alone and my self cleaning vacuum is going to clean up my remains and no one will ever know what happened to me. I also would have been more entertained had Facebook directed me to “The Crazy Cat Lady Diaries”. I personally just feel like I’m going to be more of a crazy cat lady because Facebook seems to think that…

3. YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ALONE BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE NEARLY ENOUGH FRIENDS! – Facebook doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t want to most of the people that it recommends to me. I left my small town to get away from the girls who I continually wanted to kick in the taco. I don’t want to have them popping up in my morning news feed. But FB is determined that I collect friends so it wants me to add the friend of the friend that I’ve never met, the kid of the lady who works at the pharmacy back home, and some obscure girl who graduated from my high school eight years before me. Sadly for me I don’t want to be one of those friend collectors who eventually will mentally snap and turn their friend collection into a body collection that I taxidermy and have tea parties with. I’m just not that type of girl. Facebook doesn’t care though because it also tell me…

2. NOT ONLY ARE YOU GOING TO DIE ALONE! YOU’RE GOING TO DIE FAT AND ALONE! – One of the most common ads that pops up for me are the pages that I need to like so I can learn how this one mom lost all of her baby fat in just two weeks with this one simple trick. Actually I find these ads the most annoying because it’s always some skinny bitch doing an activity that I hate so I feel resentful and stabby. Then instead of drowning someone in a lake, I drown my sorrows in the bottom of fruit smoothie because I’d rather eat healthy than like a page that will sell me a product that will make me poop my esophagus out my arse with just one easy pill. But you know what? Facebook sometimes has fun ideas. Like all the times that it’s told me…

1. YOU NEED TO HAVE SHINY RHINESTONES GLUED TO YOUR VAGINA! – Vajazzling. It exists and Facebook recommends it. I seriously can’t complain about that though. Shiny things make me happy and who wouldn’t enjoy a sparkly vagina?

What does Facebook tell you? Will you take any of it’s advice? Vajzzling. What are your opinions on it?

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