The Stuff Sisters Say

Standard

My dominant form of communication with my sister are the hundreds of text messages that we send to one another on a monthly basis. I live in the grand old city of Burnaby, BC and she lives a four/five hour drive away from me in Kamloops, BC. She has a funky work schedule and I have an odd school time table, so it’s tough to squeeze in actual conversations. I can’t say that this bothers me though. Texting means that I can talk to her all day if I really want to. Plus us texting back and forth means that in the middle of the day when I’m doing stuff, I can look at my phone and have a little giggle to myself at the shit my sister says.

Like one day I was particularly bored and browsing Reddit and I happened to come across this picture:

And I couldn’t help but giggle. You see, when my sister and I were younger and little, and when we decided not to get along, our parents would make us hold hands. Seriously, we would have to sit on the couch and hold hands until we decided to love each other again. One time, we were left on the couch holding hands that we actually fell asleep that way. For some reason I remember sleeping along the top of the sofa while my sister was passed out on the actual couch…and we were still holding hands while we slept. It might not have happened that way, but I DO remember falling asleep holding hands. We got along pretty good after that too.

Now seeing this picture, I’m glad all that we had to do was hold hands. My sister agrees. See?

photo

RWAR! SISTERS ANGRY!

Reading this makes me smile every time. Hence why I took a screen shot of it and why I’m blogging about it. My sister is one of the few people who has a similar stream of thought like I do and gets what I’m thinking. Plus I can talk to her about anything. And I can say things like “my butt cheese is particularly fragrant today” and she won’t be offended and she won’t give me that “THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?” look that my mom gave me when I said that to her while we played dice the other day. This is just the sort of stuff that me and my sister say and it’s perfectly ok, because at one point in our lives, we were forced to hold hands to get along and now we’re just really connected. And usually get along because it sucks having to sit still and hold hands with your sister who might or might not fart just for the heck of it.

She’s a bag and does that sometimes just so she can giggle about it. Or that might be me. You never know.

Someone pooped in a sink!

Standard

huskygasMy mom and I were coming home from a night of Christmas shopping the other night and we stopped at our local Husky Gas Station to fuel up before going home. While she fueled up, I jumped out of the truck and washed the windshield and headlights. We went into pay and I grabbed a bottle of water and we got into line to pay. While we were waiting in line, this guy was in front of us talking to the cashier lady in a kind of hushed tone. I figured that he was hitting on her.

He wasn’t.

Nope nope nope. He sure was not hitting on her. Instead he was telling her that someone had taken a poop in one of the men’s washroom sinks! SOMEONE POOPED IN THE SINK!! Now, this is something that I could never make up because well…I have a really perverse mind, but it never wanders onto the thought “I should poop in a sink” or “I wonder if people poop in sinks.” Up until this night, it has never crossed my mind that someone could do this in a public washroom, let alone actually do it! So at first I was really grossed out by this thought…but then I got kind of enthusiastic at this idea because it was just so wrong on so many levels.

I mean if I were to personally perform this stunt of POOPING IN A PUBLIC WASHROOM SINK (which I would never do because I’m a nervous pooper) I would have to plan it out pretty good. I mean, at the very least I would need the forethought to have some toilet paper at the ready to wipe. And I would need at least a minuet to whip my pants down, hop up on the sink and position myself carefully. I mean, I would want it all to go in the sink, but I wouldn’t want the faucet jabbing me in the back the entire time. Then I would need another minuet to squeeze out whatever poop I happened to be ready to take and wipe. After that I’d need a couple minuets to wash my hands because hygiene is important to me.

But I seriously doubt whoever pooped in the sink at the Husky had the same thoughts as me. It was probably just a spontaneous act of “GROSS DUDE! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” I don’t see people planning out things like pooping in sinks in public washrooms where someone has to clean up after you. And if they did plan this poop out, then I’m really curious about what the heck is wrong with them because they wasted all of their obvious devious mind things on “I think I’m going to poop in a sink”.

Seriously, what sick reaches of a persons mind does that thought have to come from?

I consider myself a fairly odd individual, but I have never in my life considered pooping in a sink. And even after hearing about this random act of fecal frivolities I still don’t think I’d ever seriously wake up and think “Today….today I shall poop in a sink.” Would you?

The guy that almost lost his kid in the mall

Standard

20121215-232307.jpg

This story literally takes place over the space of about thirty seconds and has a happy ending.

You see, my mom and I were in Metrotown in Burnaby, BC. It was hella busy and full of lots of people doing their Christmas shopping. Mom and I were all over the place so we stopped to get some frozen yogurt. We found a place to sit and were enjoying our snack when I saw this Asian dude walking with a kid running behind him that he wasn’t watching.

Actually the mall was full of kids running all over the fricken place and their parents weren’t paying any attention to them. Like these two toddlers that were playing at the top of an escalator without an apparent parent near. Oh and there was this little girl running behind this Asian guy who I’m guessing was her dad.

She was running behind him when I pointed her out to my mom. She ran up and stood behind her dad. It was then he noticed he didn’t have a child with him. So he turned around and she moved to stay behind him. Every time he moved she stayed right behind him. He kept moving and looking and he kept looking for the little duck he’d seemingly lost.

It wasn’t until an Asian woman who I’m assuming was the kids mom came up to him. They interacted a minuet and the little girl continued hiding. Finally the lady pointed behind the guy and he turned a bit. The girl moved. He looked back at the lady and she pointed behind him again. Finally he turned quick enough to see the girl. Boy was he happy to see her.

Then mom and I burst out laughing because this little girl had pulled off a perfect, only seen cartoons, manoeuvre.

See? Happy ending. The silly guy not watching his child got to keep his kid and mom and I had a good laugh. But seriously, it took less than thirty seconds for this guy to lose his kid. Though, I’m pretty happy this good ball didn’t keep an eye on his kid because I got a good laugh and memory with my mom.

I do what I want!

Standard

20121214-014749.jpg

I took a nap that happened too late in the night and lasted too long for me to be sleepy. So I went to the 7/11 on my street to get me some hot chocolate and cookies. Because if I’m drinking hot chocolate, I want cookies to dip in it. Except I went for a run earlier and damn near froze my ass off while getting drenched out in the rain so I was in my comfy and warm sweats and an oversized sweat shirt. I was warm and happy.

I also apparently looked like a stoner because I walked into the 7/11 and immediately this older couple gave me a collective stink eye. Then the older lady with a wine drinkers red nose
commented to her older partner that I was probably one of those losers that smoked the Devil’s lettuce. I ignored it and went to get my hot chocolate.

Now you see, 7/11 has these amazing baby dehydrated marshmallows. They’re the bees knees. And I always load up on them because I love them something fierce. And the entire time this old lady is watching me. I can feel her eyes on me and hating me while I fill my cup and start to dump the mini marshmallows in. And out of nowhere this lady sarcastically says “Maybe you should save some for others.”

I really had no response to that because I was lost in the bliss of dumping delicious dehydrated marshmallows into my cup. So I did the only thing I could think of…

I looked that rude woman in the eye, took a sip of my marshmallow filled drink and yelled “You’re not the boss of me!”

Then I promptly paid for my stuff and left. There was nothing more to be done or said and in the end I giggled as I left the store to go home.

Early Morning Labour and A Rude Wake Up Call

Standard

My phone rang just past 3:30am. Seriously, what the frick? There aren’t many people in the world who will do that and it’s rare that they call at this sort of hour so I was confused. Plus I’d been asleep for a bit so I was fully confused and pissed off. Who calls at this hour? Well, as it turns out, it was a friend who I haven’t spoken to in over a year. Why, you ask? Well because about a year ago we made plans to go out for coffee and she didn’t show up and didn’t call to apologize for a week. So we made more plans and she stood me up again. She called and said she was sorry the day after, but didn’t give me a reason why she left me hanging. So fuck that game right? Right. I stopped calling her, stopped answering her texts and didn’t answer her phone calls for a month. Then we kind of briefly texted and more or less stopped talking.

It sounds immature and I realize that a lot of people in my life are doing that “growing up” thing where they have familes, kids and mortgages, but if you make plans then act like a considerate human being about those plans. If you bail on me at the last minuet, that’s ok. I get that stuff comes up. I’m actually a super understanding person once you get past my love for profanity, fear of midgets, and anger towards the fact that only Asian people almost run me over.

Anyway, The Stand Me Up Friend called me about half an hour ago or so to have this conversation with me:

Me: Whoever this is, you better be dying. Her: Rai? Is that you?
Me: Who is this and why don’t you sound like you’re dying?
Her: It’s The Stand Me Up Friend. I need a huge favor.
Me: No.
Her: Rai! Help me out here! I need you!
Me: Stop.
Her: Yeah?
Me: Wiggle with it.
Her: What?
Me: Stop.
Her: Yeah?
Me: Wiggle with it.
Her: What are you talking about.
Me: If you can’t recognize the lyrics to “Get Low” then you should delete me off your phone.

I seriously couldn’t have planned that conversation any better. I was really going to say something along the lines of “Stop calling me only when you need something because that irritates the living hell out of me”, but the moment she said “Yeah?” I knew what I had to do. You’re welcome. I know I’m still giggling about it.

Anyway, as it turns out, she’d gone into labour a month early and that blew all of her “Going Into Labour Plans” all to hell. She was en route to the hospital and needed me to baby-sit her 3-year-old son (who I absolutely do not like – I mean, kids are ok sometimes, but this kid is a horrible turd nugget and I’d rather pluck my armpit hairs than be left alone with him ever). As in, she expected me to take a cab all the way to the hospital where she was delivering, pick her son up and cab all the way to the townhouse she lived in with her husband out in North Vancouver.

I said no and congratulated her on her pending bundle of joy.

Mostly I’m only writing this now because of the fact that I worked one of my all time favorite songs lyrics into a conversation and the other participant was totally unaware of what was going on. It more or less made me feel like a genius with a capital “J”.