Avoiding Being Coupled


Once again my friend, Momma Cat, set me up on a blind date. She’s pregnant and crazy right now so I more or less agree with her for fear of retaliation against my person or against my lawn gnomes. Not that she isn’t alway crazy, but right now she’s that social kind of crazy where I don’t know if she plans to cry or try to drag me to Hell and back by my nostrils.

So last week she informed me that I was going to go out with a friend of her friend from work because they thought I would like him. You should know I have never met this friend of my friend and her opinions of me are solely based on whatever lies Momma Cat tells her. Now hold on here. How do I know my friend is telling lies to her friend? Well, that’s because of the guy they set me up with this week.

My friend, silly her, told me this guys name. As in his full name so I naturally Facebook stalked him and he happened to have a fully open to the public profile. 256 photos all with him in it? Well, I helped myself to that, looked at 10 pics and realized that this guy and I would hate each other.

I mostly say this because of the abundance of shirtless pics he posted of himself flexing. And not being ironic or sarcastic about it.

So while I was in class tonight Momma Cat texted me that this fella would be calling me directly at 10 pm to confirm tomorrows date. Which he did. Right at 10 pm my phone rang and it was him.

Me: Hello?
Him: Hey girlie! This is Blind Date #3761! Momma Cat told you I was calling right?
Me: Umm, yeah.
Him: Well hey, baby girl. What it do?
Me: What did what do?
Him: You know. WASSSSSSAP?!

And then I hung up on him because he screamed in my ear.

And then he called back and I wound up on the phone with him for ten minuets trying to figure out why a 31 year old man was was talking like a retarded 15 year old boy. I assumed that he didn’t want to go on the date either so I got us both out of it.

Me: So you talk like a teenage boy that smoked a few too many glue sticks and I have a fetish for hunting for truffles with my lawn gnomes. What else should we know about each other?
Him: I’m allergic to strawberries.
Me: Well then! Our genitals should start a party.
Him: I have another call coming in. Can I call you back to confirm tomorrow?

He hasn’t called back and I now officially have the whole day to myself tomorrow. Or today. It’s 3:32 am and I’m writing this on my phone. Anyway, I have the day to myself. Because a day to myself after yesterday’s long day seems nice and the only way I could do that was to convince this guy to not go on the date either. Thus avoiding Momma Cats rage.

Until she tries again.

Yes I have no backbone. It’s easier to concoct crazy ways to get out of dates that I don’t want instead of simply saying no. However, that’s because one does not simply say no to a blind date set up by Momma Cat.


3 thoughts on “Avoiding Being Coupled

  1. I know this will come across like i am a stalker (maybe i am??) if you made me laugh on the phone while i was asking you out, like i just did when i reading this post i/we would be making wedding plans not dinner plans.

    Good stuff keep it up.

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