Today I got woken up at 7:18am because my phone was vibrating and beeping at me non-stop for like a solid minuet. If it wasn’t such a lovely phone, I probably would have tossed it across the room and drowned it in my toilet. Except it’s a lovely phone, so I didn’t. Instead I wound up in this conversation:
(Edited for clarity and because she texts like a candy-stupid teenager)
Her: Would you sleep with a married guy?
Her: Except you didn’t know that he was married because he said that he was separated.
Her: And he separated from his wife because she cheated on him
Her: He’s really good looking! He’s so funny and sweet!
Her: What would you do?
Her: He’s still married, but says he’s into me and we text all the time
Her: Are you there?
Her: The sex is really great and he’s an amazing guy. I don’t know if I should be upset though.
Her: Well I am upset because I’m afraid of losing him.
Her: I think I might be pregnant too. What would you do? Should I tell him?
Her: HELLO?! ARE YOU THERE?!
Her: Oh I guess you’re sleeping. Sorry! Text me when you wake up
Her: Seriously what would you do?
Me: I am not familiar with this mating ritual.
Her: You watch too much TV
Me: I probably do, but I really am not overly familiar with this mating ritual of sleeping with a married guy, getting possibly knocked up, then worrying about losing him when he’s already married.
Me: I can’t believe I just typed that. THE FUCK?
Her: Why are you being so mean?
Me: I suggest you call Jerry Springer ASAP. And Maury.
Then I curled up and went back to sleep because this was the most messed up mating ritual among my species and generation that I’ve come across so far. And I’ve done some pretty weird things to get laid. But this? This was a whole new can of beans that I didn’t want to get into and knew from the beginning that I had to let the professionals take care of this one.
Have you ever almost been in a situation that you knew you had no part of? How did you get out of it?