Avoiding Being Coupled

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Once again my friend, Momma Cat, set me up on a blind date. She’s pregnant and crazy right now so I more or less agree with her for fear of retaliation against my person or against my lawn gnomes. Not that she isn’t alway crazy, but right now she’s that social kind of crazy where I don’t know if she plans to cry or try to drag me to Hell and back by my nostrils.

So last week she informed me that I was going to go out with a friend of her friend from work because they thought I would like him. You should know I have never met this friend of my friend and her opinions of me are solely based on whatever lies Momma Cat tells her. Now hold on here. How do I know my friend is telling lies to her friend? Well, that’s because of the guy they set me up with this week.

My friend, silly her, told me this guys name. As in his full name so I naturally Facebook stalked him and he happened to have a fully open to the public profile. 256 photos all with him in it? Well, I helped myself to that, looked at 10 pics and realized that this guy and I would hate each other.

I mostly say this because of the abundance of shirtless pics he posted of himself flexing. And not being ironic or sarcastic about it.

So while I was in class tonight Momma Cat texted me that this fella would be calling me directly at 10 pm to confirm tomorrows date. Which he did. Right at 10 pm my phone rang and it was him.

Me: Hello?
Him: Hey girlie! This is Blind Date #3761! Momma Cat told you I was calling right?
Me: Umm, yeah.
Him: Well hey, baby girl. What it do?
Me: What did what do?
Him: You know. WASSSSSSAP?!

And then I hung up on him because he screamed in my ear.

And then he called back and I wound up on the phone with him for ten minuets trying to figure out why a 31 year old man was was talking like a retarded 15 year old boy. I assumed that he didn’t want to go on the date either so I got us both out of it.

Me: So you talk like a teenage boy that smoked a few too many glue sticks and I have a fetish for hunting for truffles with my lawn gnomes. What else should we know about each other?
Him: I’m allergic to strawberries.
Me: Well then! Our genitals should start a party.
Him: I have another call coming in. Can I call you back to confirm tomorrow?

He hasn’t called back and I now officially have the whole day to myself tomorrow. Or today. It’s 3:32 am and I’m writing this on my phone. Anyway, I have the day to myself. Because a day to myself after yesterday’s long day seems nice and the only way I could do that was to convince this guy to not go on the date either. Thus avoiding Momma Cats rage.

Until she tries again.

Yes I have no backbone. It’s easier to concoct crazy ways to get out of dates that I don’t want instead of simply saying no. However, that’s because one does not simply say no to a blind date set up by Momma Cat.

A Weird Mating Ritual

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Today I got woken up at 7:18am because my phone was vibrating and beeping at me non-stop for like a solid minuet. If it wasn’t such a lovely phone, I probably would have tossed it across the room and drowned it in my toilet. Except it’s a lovely phone, so I didn’t. Instead I wound up in this conversation:

(Edited for clarity and because she texts like a candy-stupid teenager)
Her: Would you sleep with a married guy?
Her: Except you didn’t know that he was married because he said that he was separated.
Her: And he separated from his wife because she cheated on him
Her: He’s really good looking! He’s so funny and sweet!
Her: What would you do?
Her: He’s still married, but says he’s into me and we text all the time
Her: Are you there?
Her: The sex is really great and he’s an amazing guy. I don’t know if I should be upset though.
Her: Well I am upset because I’m afraid of losing him.
Her: I think I might be pregnant too. What would you do? Should I tell him?
Her: HELLO?! ARE YOU THERE?!
Her: Oh I guess you’re sleeping. Sorry! Text me when you wake up
Her: Seriously what would you do?
Me: I am not familiar with this mating ritual.
Her: You watch too much TV
Me: I probably do, but I really am not overly familiar with this mating ritual of sleeping with a married guy, getting possibly knocked up, then worrying about losing him when he’s already married.
Me: I can’t believe I just typed that. THE FUCK?
Her: Why are you being so mean?
Me: I suggest you call Jerry Springer ASAP. And Maury.

Then I curled up and went back to sleep because this was the most messed up mating ritual among my species and generation that I’ve come across so far. And I’ve done some pretty weird things to get laid. But this? This was a whole new can of beans that I didn’t want to get into and knew from the beginning that I had to let the professionals take care of this one.

Have you ever almost been in a situation that you knew you had no part of? How did you get out of it?

Avoiding the Christmas Coupling

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‘Tis the season to be jolly and get set up on lots and lots of dates. Seriously too, it’s the most wonderful time of the year to hide from your friends. Which I did rather effectively a couple years back since I was taking a break from school and living back home with my parents. This year, however, and last year, there was none of that luck. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and appreciate them as much as I possibly can, but dear Heavens above and Hades below! November and December seem to be that time of year where people seem to couple off and go feed each other soup and bon bons. And let’s face it, this is a great time of year to cuddle up on a couch in a warm living room and watch a good movie with a lover, significant other or that special someone you happen to be seeing currently.

Oh and it’s the season for Christmas and holiday parties for all!

To be honest, I like my pictures to be solo. The idea of having to squeeze a lover or that potential someone who I might bring home to mom and dad into a portrait with me just…weirds me out. I like the fact that when I’m out in the world it’s just me and the music blasting into my ears. I like the fact that I’m free to fall in love if the opportunity arises and I love the fact that I’m not attached to someone else and can happily explore and discover another person if the situation presents itself. Mostly though, I just enjoy having no one else in the picture but me.

Except November and December…these are the hard months. The months where sometimes I wish I had a reliable someone that I could call up for a cuddle and a movie. Now that I’m learning how to cook all of these awesome comfort foods, I would love to be able to cook for someone and then get cuddled. Mostly I want to cuddle and mostly I’m ok with the fact that it’s just me, myself and I. Mostly though, my friends aren’t ok with the fact that I don’t have someone to cook for and that I don’t have a significant other to hold me on these long cold days.

Honestly, it’s a little depressing and I find myself coming to the point where…I want to give in and play by normal people’s rules. To date so I can cook for someone. To commit so that I can get cuddles whenever I want and won’t have to stand out in the cold on my own. To change my Facebook status to “In a relationship” so I don’t feel so Gods damned alone at all of my friends parties where everyone is a couple except for that guy they invite because they’re setting us up. I honestly want to be ready for that sort  of a relationship in my life where he’ll meet my parents and we’ll make plans for Christmas and New Year’s…but I’m not. So I’ve come up with a plan to avoid winding up in something that I’m not ready for and to avoid the depression that tends to come along with this season because I’m alone.

Even though, ya know, I actually like being alone for the most part.

Step One: Don’t go to all of the parties – One friend is have a Pre-Christmas Party so we can all celebrate Christmas together before the Christmas season gets into full swing and we all leave town and start doing actual Christmas stuff. Another friend is cooking her first Christmas dinner this year so she’s having a Practice Christmas party to practice on her friends. Then there is the American friend who is married to a Vancouverite who is having American Thanksgiving. Festivus for the Rest of Us. Starting next weekend and leading right up until Christmas I’ve been invited to at least one seasonal party a week. And I’m not going to all of them. To be honest, I’m actually only going to three of them. I’m not trying to be rude or anything but a) I know I’ll get set up at most of these parties, b) I have a lot of school work that needs doing, and c) I know which parties I’ll feel loneliest at from past experience. Let’s face it, this is the time of year to merry and jolly and stuff and this year I refuse to do anything that will make me feel lonely, left out or make me crave something that I’m not ready for.

Step Two: Party with a rock star – Me. Duh. During the rest of the year I love being by myself. Just me and the occasional fun friend. Yes, I have lots of homework to do and the end of my semester is fast approaching, but I’m still going to make time to go out, buy myself something pretty and dance with myself all night long in my bedroom while watching all my favorite Christmas specials. I am going to take the time to do all of the things that I love to do alone and can only do alone because they’re the most fun that way. Sure I’ll probably wind up watching porn all night while drinking whiskey from one of my collectable Simpson’s slushee cups and reading Fight Club, but that’s ok because that’ what I call fun.

Step Three: Make time for my friends – I’ve already started to get some shit from my friends because I’ve declined their Facebook invitations to their marvelous parties. This time of the year, more than any other time is a time for my friends to spend time with their new and growing families. I know they’re getting wrapped up (pun intended) in holiday preparations and view their parties as the only way they can see me this time of the year, but that just means I have to make the extra effort to squeeze in a quick visit here or there. One friend and I have set aside an afternoon where I’m going to help her decorate her house. I’m going to a cookie baking party. I have a series of half-hour coffee dates lined up for the last couple weeks of November. Sure I can’t bake to save my life, I’m not patient enough to decorate a whole house and I have to transit an hour to meet my friend so I can see her for 30 minuets before she has to pick her kid up from daycare, but I love my friends and I think they’re worth the effort. Yes, I’m not going to their parties, but I am going to make time to see them.

Step Four: More sister time – Screw the rest of the world! When I’m with my baby sister, I don’t need any one else. She never pressures me into something that I’m not ready for and I’ve been cooking for her since we were kids. This year we’re going to put on our moose and bear toques, hide in bushes and peek out as people walk by. We’re possibly going to go to jail and our mom will have to come bail us out, but in the end we’ll have discussed things like vajazzling and I’ll probably have tried to fit my entire finger up my nose and gotten it stuck, but whatever. Sister time is awesome and I’m getting more of it this year.

I love that all of my self-portraits are self-portraits. But, yes, sometimes I wish that I were the sort of person that enjoys monogamy and I wish I were ready for a relationship and for all the things most of my friends have in their life, but I’m not. I’m not ready because I haven’t vajazzled myself yet, I’m only just discovering furry porn and I haven’t gone to jail yet. I just feel like…before I’m in a committed relationship I need to have been committed to an institution at least once or have gone to jail. That way I can say that my wild years are complete and will know that whoever loves me, truly loves me because they’ll know that I went to jail at least once in my life or have been institutionalized. That way when I admit to loving to pick my nose, who ever I’m with will think “That’s nothing compared to what she did to wind up in jail…”

But until that happens, I’m going to do my best to avoid Christmas Coupling and keep my self-portraits, self-portraits.

And then I tried something new

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So I’ve been trying to find a job these past few months. All the conventional ways of doing things haven’t been working for me because I lack field experience in my chosen major and well for every 10 resumes I sent out, maybe one would get back to me for an interview. And then that interview would be ok, but not great and I wouldn’t get the job. Apparently 2 years at a burger joint and summers spent working back home don’t count for diddly squat. So with the failure or normal means, I decided to try something new. I decided to try and really stand out and be exactly who I am. And I got a little weird.

Dear Potential Boss,

I’m a potential hostess.

For you to hire now.

And all haiku’s aside, I think that you should consider hiring me. Why? Because I am Rogue and I’m not afraid to sweat because I practice proper hygiene and use deodorant daily so you can make me sweat all you like and I literally won’t make a stink about it. I am Rogue because I refuse to replace “you” with “u” when I send text messages. I am Rogue because I love to laugh so hard that I snort. Mostly though, I think you should consider hiring me because what I lack in experience, I make up for with enthusiasm and I smile when I meet new people because I’m genuinely happy to meet them.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[INSERT MY REAL NAME HERE]

Yup. That’s a cover letter I sent into a restaurant that I was applying to. I totally have an interview tomorrow at 3pm.