I love my friends. I’ll be the first to admit that as life goes on, we’re slowly starting to drift a part and that sucks, but we do our best to stick together. This is all in spite of children, husbands, school and the fact that I prefer green pills to blue pills and they prefer that I not be single and stop sleeping around. So sometimes set-ups happen. Weirdly, like, 4 times out of 10 they’ve tried setting me up with gay guys. And by that I mean that there have been four times in total that they’ve tried to pawn me off on their gay guy friends who they didn’t know were gay.
They think it’s rude to ask, but I think it’s a totally necessary question to ask when you’re getting to know a guy. How hard is it to ask if a guy prefers taco to wiener or a meatsicle to sushi?
Sadly, after four very awkward experiences, I had this conversation with my friend last month:
Me: This is like that time you asked me to come make candles and you tried to hook me up with that guy who turned out to be gay isn’t it?
Dani: This one isn’t gay!
Me: I don’t mean to sound closed-minded, but why would you think I’d want to date a guy who willingly would go “make potpourri with the girls”?
Dani: You’re being unreasonable!
Me: No being unreasonable would be me fearing that this guy would trap me in a hole in his basement and yell at me “IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!” because any guy who makes potpourri would totally do that!
Dani: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.
Me: I can’t talk to you when you want me to make potpourri!
Sadly for me, my friends never give up. Today I was supposed to baby-sit the four-year-old T-Dawg after pre-school and take her to some Mommy’s Group play date at some obscure park, but that got cancelled because the poor girl blew chunks all over her bed this morning causing T-Dawg and mom to stay home for the day. Instead I slept in until I had to get ready to head to an interview (which I rocked) and then I set up shop in my favorite Starbucks to work on my Data Analysis homework.
Sadly I told my friend, Dani, where I’d be and what I’d be up to and this led to her randomly showing up in my Starbucks with a very cute guy in tow. Naturally she was so surprised at running into me and wanted me to meet her friend, Tyler. But like I said before, she has a habit of trying to make me date gay guys or guys that like to make potpourri. So I had to double check this guy…
Me: So Tyler, tell me. Do you prefer penis or vagina?
Tyler: Excuse me?
Dani: RACHAEL! REALLY?! DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS?!
Me: *calmly sipping my venti Java Chip frappacino* It’s a really simple question. What kind of body parts do you prefer? Male, female or dead?
Dani: WHY MUST YOU EMBARRASS ME LIKE THIS?!
Tyler: *sitting stunned and looking like a deer caught in the headlights of my silver 91 Saturn SCI that I drove when I was 18 and a horrible driver and had blown the brake cables the week before but was still driving around in*
Me: How is this a hard question? Penis, vagina, dead flesh or all of the above.
Dani: I CAN’T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE!
Tyler: I love lamp.
And then he got up and left the Starbucks with this weirdly stunned look on his face. I nearly choked on my frappacino laughing at the whole situation and the fact that I had scared off a potential suitor or scarred some poor guy for life and gave him a good reason why he preferred penis or dead parts.
Dani: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Me: I had to make sure he wasn’t a flesh eating zombie. Or gay.
Dani: WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?!
Me: Because I don’t want to try and date a guy guy or a flesh eating zombie. My vagina would later be offended and my feelings would get hurt. Do you want me to get hurt?
Dani: I’M ABOUT TO HURT YOU!
Then my normally vegan, non-violent lifestyle friend who yells at me for enjoying chicken nuggets continuously petting her cat and telling what good Chinese food that it would make realized she threatened to physically harm me and got this weird shocked, but constipated look on her face. I recommended that she go poop. She seriously looked ready to deck me. So I went a bought her some crazy soy beverage and we sat quietly for 10 minuets before she calmly looked me in the eye and said…
Dani: You’re not normal. Have you taken your meds today?
Me: I’m not on meds. But I do like the idea of lots of crazy candies to take daily.
Dani: I think I’ll stop trying to set you up.
Me: That’s awesome. Now we can move past denial and into the other steps that we need to take for stuff.
Dani: Don’t you want to know how fulfilling a healthy and happy relationship could be?
Me: Random sex is fulfilling too.
At that point I wink-winked at her and she rolled her eyes at me. Then she hugged me, said she loved me and left me alone to do my homework. I quietly giggled to myself, hope that I didn’t overly scar that poor Tyler guy or horrify him too much and continued on with my Data Analysis homework.
Thirty minuets later Dani called me to say that Tyler was gay, but her husband had a co-worker who would like me who was definitely not gay. It was then I realized that someday, all you can do with your friends is love them for exactly who they are, no matter how many gay guys they fling at you in hope that one of them is so deep in the closet that he’s finding Christmas presents from 5 years ago and I lead a dysfunctional lifestyle with them. Seriously, that’s about all you can do with your friends: Love them. And possibly use as helpers in building pillow forts. But that’s the gist of it. Love and pillow forts.