My momma received a Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Award this past Wednesday. It was pretty freaking awesome to see my momma get a medal FROM THE MOFO’IN FREAKING QUEEN for all the hard work that my mom does. No, the queen didn’t directly give it to her, but still it’s a Queen’s award for service to your community, province, country, etc. This means that there was an award ceremony that we went to and this means that I got to buy a new shirt because I forgot to pack dress clothes when I went home for a week last week.
So off my mom and I went to our favorite store to look for dress shirts for me. We walked into the store and were immediately greeted by a very friendly sales lady who asked if we were looking for anything in particular. And then this conversation happened:
Sales Lady: Ok, we have lots of those. Is there anything in particular that you like or don’t like?
Me: Yeah, nothing with vag neck please.
Right away the poor sales lady got this look on her face like she was thinking “WHAT THE FUCK IS A VAG NECK?!” and she actually had to pause for all of 10 seconds to figure out what to say next. First she looked confused. Then she looked like she was kind of shocked that I said “vag neck” and then she got this real cautious look on her face like she just walked into a room with a giant dire bear waiting to grind her bones to make his bread and she could only say one sentence to make him let her live.
Oh and then there was my mom who was standing next to me. At first she got this look on her face like she was thinking “WHAT THE FUCK DID MY KID JUST SAY?!” and then she just looked ready to slap me when she realized that yes, I just said that I didn’t want any shirts that had a vag neck. Except, my mom never curses except in her sleep, but I imagine that in this case she probably cursed in her head because of my eloquent use of the term “vag neck”.
Finally after these weird looks came across my moms and the sales lady’s faces, the sales lady finally recovered enough to ask what a “vag neck” was. I told her it was that neckline that’s all dangly and folds around your neck.
Sales Lady: Oh! You mean a cowl neck!
Me: Yes! Don’t they totally look like a vag neck though?
Sales Lady: I’ve never heard of a cowl neck being called that before.
Me: But you can totally see it now right?
Then the sales lady and my mom totally wandered off to pick out some shirts for me. Though my mom totally looked like she couldn’t decide to laugh or smack me. She actually didn’t do anything and we wound up picking a very nice shirt for me to wear to her ceremony. And now we all know that my mom totally deserved her award because between the fact not only is she a Salmon Hero Award recipient, a Citizen of the Year Award recipient, but she managed to raise me and my colourful vocabulary and she more or less manages to take my shenanigans in stride. Oh and she totally as never tossed me off a cliff before, even though I probably deserved it a time or two…that’s what people do with dysfunctional children these days right? Or was that just the Spartans?
Either way, the moral of this story is: Vag neck is not flattering on anyone and my mom is awesome.