Another Reason Why I’d Be a Bad Mom and Another Reason Why I’m a Bad Person

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I went down to the cafeteria get some hot chocolate and some kid decided to run his face into my knee. In my defense, I had my headphones on and the sound on my iPod was as high as I can get it to go and I didn’t actually see him because he was below my line of sight and pretty much came out of nowhere. Note: I am not an observant person to begin with either.  He wound up down on the ground bawling his eyes out with no obvious parent in sight. After about 10 seconds of me staring in horror at this child that just broke its face on my knee, a maternal figure comes charging up to me:

Kids Mom: OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED?!

Me: Your child tried to harm my googlyspootch. You should probably keep him on a leash.

Kids Mom: EXCUSE ME! MY CHILD IS HURT!

Me: So is my googlespootch!

Kids Mom: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Me: I have an obvious disdain for unsupervised children who run their faces off my knee and proceed to scream like I’m trying to amputate their intestines and steal their goo.

Kids Mom: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU RETARDED?!

Me: No. But your kid might be now. You should get that looked at. And consider a leash.

Kids Mom: *picks up her child and starts to run towards security* I’M TELLING!

Me: *yelling at her back* BECAUSE THAT’S A MATURE RESPONSE!

Lesson: If you let your child run buckwild on a college campus and obviously be nowhere near him then you’re not going to have a good time.

Also: I’m probably going to Hell and someday Karma is going to slap me for saying the things I did and finding the situation funny, but what else am I supposed to do when a strangers son randomly runs his face into my knee? I mean besides acting like a caring and responsible individual…

P.S I forgot to get my hot chocolate so I’m totally going to go get that now and it’s going to be delicious.

Me and Pearson’s R

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Ok, so obviously I haven’t been writing a lot. To begin with, I had no internet the first two weeks of September. And now settling into my school schedule is already kicking my butt. This probably makes me theworst daily blogger in the history of daily bloggers. Though with how school is going, I’m going to make posting at least twice a week my goal. That’s doable and possibly there might be more, and if not, I’ll just start reposting all of the weird conversations I’ve been having with people because my internal brain to mouth filter sucks and the odd thing leaks out every now and again.

Except for last night when I was writing the first of four midterms that I have for my Data Analysis course. Yay statistics. How I loathe thee. Abhor thee. Want to smack thee up like the pain in my ass that you are. Anyway, point is, last night I walked into my Data Analysis classroom all ready for my midterm, thinking I knew most of the material and had a fairly firm grasp on everything because I’d actually done my homework, studied and generally taught myself everything I needed to know because my prof is all over the place and the one tutor I tried out was one of those Asian kids who barely speaks English because I think math is crazily a universal lingo or
something. In the end I wound up wanting to stab him in the eye because he’s managed to complete a degree in Economics without being able to speak a whole lot of English. Naturally he treated me like I was the idiot because I didn’t understand a word he was saying as he tried to explain Standard Deviation to me (and I probably was) so I told him to bugger off and I found a Starbucks, pumped myself full of iced lemonades and venti Mocha Cookie Crumbles and taught myself Standard Deviation.

…I am possibly digressing. The point is I sat down to write my exam and there were quite a few written questions which meant I got to very eloquently analyze the data placed in front of me. Because everyone needs to know how to make discussing the mean, median and mode of a set of data interesting. There were all of 14 questions on the exam and it took me just over half an hour to answer 12 of the questions…then I got the question 13 that asked me to use the given data to solve for Pearson’s R.

Me: What the heck is this?

Pearson’s R: I’m Pearson’s R. I’m that equation you looked at for five minutes but ignored because you were too busy trying to figure out Standard Deviation.

Me: Well up yours! I barely remember how to solve you!

Pearson’s R: You can’t play favorites in math. Good luck failing Data Analysis!

Me:  Why is an equation talking to me?

Pearson’s R: You’ve snapped. Do you mind bending over so I can spank you now?

Me: Give me a minuet…

And I sat there staring at this equation, trying to remember how the prof solved it last week when he went over Pearson’s R with us. It
taunted me. Looked me dead in the eye and saw a failure waiting to happen. I sat there slowly getting angry because it was wearing glasses and had an annoying accent that I couldn’t place. So I closed my eyes and ignored the taunting equation like I ignored that slightly moronic girl I once had in an English class that compared one of the poems we were reading to Twilight. Then I cursed the one too many concussions I’ve gotten playing rugby that’s killed most of my ability to remember…most anything important beyond being able to recite several scenes from Winnie the Pooh. Eventually after many constipated looks and thinking that if I were drunk I could probably do this no sweats, I finally figured out what I was doing. And as I slowly solved the equation I could hear Pearson’s
R screams of terror and whiny whimpers.

Pearson’s R: My goo! My precious goo! I’m melting!

Me: Yeah beeotch! Who’s the one getting spanked now?! I’ll take that goo and run it down the drain now.

I possibly got carried away taunting Pearson’s R, but whatever. I figured it out and as long as I did the math right then I would get full marks for the question. And even if I didn’t do the math right, I understood how the equation worked and I just super failed summing up x-squared and y-squared. The point is, I understood it and I totally owned that question and I am 90% certain that I got it completely right.

On the upside. I still hate Data Analysis and will be spending the rest of my semester holing up in my favorite Starbucks to figure out whatever the Hell that it is that I’m learning…