Her: What do you think about during sex?
Her: Did I stutter?
Me: Why are you asking?
Her: Today hubby came home and because the kids were away for a sleepover we got jiggy with it
Me: My vagina takes offense to this
Her: Excuse me?
Me: You got jiggy with it? You mean you fucked like rabid donkeys?
Her: Rabid donkeys?
Me: Lots of weird noises, slobber and other such goodness
Her: Stop changing the subject! What do you think about during sex?
Me: Depends on the sex, why?
Her: Because while we were making love I kept thinking about the grocery list and then I noticed how the ceiling was kind of dirty and the carpet needed a good deep cleaning. Do you catch my drift?
Me: Yeah, you two were going at it like oiled up woosels
Her: Rai! Answer my question and stop making up analogies!
Me: Haha! You said anal!
I’m sure we all do it. Sex. Thinking about stuff during sex. Not all the time, but sometimes both can occur. Except sometimes I just think things out of habit. You see, my very first sexual experience involved a blow job and since my partner and I didn’t really want to have much to do with one another and we were awkward teenagers, I found myself pretending that my mouth was an elevator. Which led to me using too much teeth because I didn’t want those poor people to fall out of the elevator…
And well sometimes I find myself off in that weird imaginary world without even noticing until something catastrophic happens like my partner ruining the fantasy by insisting that I acknowledge his existence in someway.
Ok, that’s not to awful. I’m sure I’m not the only one who likes to play the elevator game with their mouth…or am I? If I am then this is another good reason to assert how unique and wonderful I am and state that I am not at all batshit crazy.
Because batshit crazy is conjugating French verbs in your head while going down on someone. Which is also what I did that first time. I mean, the guy was in my French class with me and we had a test in a few days and what better time to practice remembering how to conjugate irregular French verbs than when you get bored of the elevator game?
After telling my friend via text these were normal things to cross my mind during sex she pointed out that this is what I thought of while I was giving head. Which is totally a whole other argument because the blow jay is by far more intimate than sex and if people are working on the “first base, second base, third base” analogy with the while oral sex thing being third base well…most people just run from second to home. My friend even admitted that she never gave head to any of the guys she had slept with/been in a serious relationship with until she was really comfortable with them and they’d been dating and boning for sometime. But she still insisted on knowing what I thought about during sex, so I told her.
And basically I spend most of my sexual encounters fighting the urge to say all of the weird thing that pop up into my head. I also sometimes wonder whether it’s rude to crack your knuckles during sex, but mostly just lots of words happen to float across my mind that I think would totally make sense, but then I figure if they make sense to me then I had better not say anything because if I’m thinking it in a moment passion, then I should wait until the moment of passion is over to really think it over before saying it. Like the one time, this guy who I’ve known since my first year of university came over late one night and I happened to look up his nose. Don’t ask me why I looked up his nose, but I did and there in his left nostril was this booger that was amazingly splayed out like Jesus on a cross.
So I slapped him on the forehead and shouted “THE POWER OF CHRIST IS IN YOUR NOSE!”
I mean I was just so damned excited about this Jesus booger that I did and said the first things that happened to come to mind. He naturally responded by getting all butt hurt and shouty because I’d slapped him on the forehead and started babbling about Christ. Dude was all “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” and of course me and my vagina took offense to that because we were the ones that had discovered this awesome Jesus booger and only wanted to share the moment of it, so I wound up shouting back about how he had a booger shaped like Jesus in his nose and that he should probably thank me for helping him to figure out he was some sort of holy vessel for the guy that had died for all of our sins…
And he got up, walked into my bathroom, snot rocketed it into the toilet and flushed the Jesus booger away.
Of course the night was ruined because every time I looked at him he would yell “STOP LOOKING UP MY NOSE!” and then I would yell back “YOU’RE RUINING THE MOMENT!” So then I had to find other things to think about and for some reason really fixated on this patch of moles (not the ugly kind with hair, these were just cute dark dots on his right pectoral) that he has and the more I stared at them, the more I played connect the dots with them and the more I played connect the dots with them, the more I realized they were kind of in the shape of a penis. Thankfully the smart part of my brain that goes away during sex mad an appearance and told me to keep that thought to myself and I did.
But to this day I still see that penis in that patch of moles and have to force myself to think of other things so that I won’t get yelled for seeing a penis in his body’s moles. He’s touchy about that sort of thing. I mean if he reacted the way he did to a Jesus booger, how would he react to a penis that’s just always there?
At the end of our conversation which had turned into a full blown Skype call, my friend felt ok in thinking about her grocery list during sex. I mean as long as you’re having fun, feeling good and not slapping your partner on the forehead because of a Jesus booger, then everything is ok…right?
With all that said, what do you think about during sex?