The Downside to Piercing My Tongue


My tongue was stretched out of my mouth. Clamped between these tongs that the piercer pulled a little. There was a circle that he had positioned over the dot he’d made on my tongue and I could see the needle he was about to stab me with. My heart was racing and I could feel the fear clawing its way up my chest and I held onto my calm exterior like a drowning man would clutch a floaty-thing. The fear was sugar-sweet and made my thighs quiver…and then he was telling me to inhale…exhale…inhale…exha-

Lightning swift the pain lanced from my tongue, down my nerve endings and between my legs where my adrenaline soaked heart took up its quickly pulsing residence. Yeah, I like pain. Some pain I hate, but this pain was bliss on crack as he quickly worked to get the barbell and its bells secured in my mouth with non-latex gloves that tasted like tingling after shocks of pain

When all was said and done, I had a lisp for a week, a swollen tongue for 9 days that I played with constantly and a pierced tongue that I was completely in love with.

But having my tongue pierced isn’t all sunshine and raspberries. Yes, I’d always wanted one so having one made my heart happy in a very shallow way, but sometimes…

5) I miss being able to blow really huge bubbles – With my tongue pierced I can’t stretch the gum properly to get a bubble big enough to cover my face when it finally breaks. Now the stud causes a week spot and it pops almost immediately after I try to fill my chewed piece of rubber full of air. Though that’s not as bad as…

4) Chipping my tooth on metal tongue stud – I did that one night while angrily chewing lettuce from McDonald’s. The Asian lady who spoke a common dialect of broken and shattered English messed up my order, as well as my friends, and we were in a parking lot ranting over her idiocy like only bratty and entitled North American kids can do…I was picking up the lettuce that had fallen out of the Big Mac that I had gotten, but not ordered and angrily chewing it. That’s when I bit down really hard and shattered the top off of one of my good chewing teeth. If I’m being honest, that wasn’t nearly as bad as…

3) My younger cousin asking me if I did it so I’d be good at giving head – I had no idea how to reply to it then and I still have no idea what to say to it now. I’ve even asked several guys that knew me before the piercing if it had improved anything and the still don’t really know what to say either. I also didn’t know what to say when…

2) My 200-level English prof was trying to talk a student out of getting her tongue pierced because it was “trashy” – I really had no idea what to say so I sat there in class with my tongue out until she noticed it. Then she spit out the water she was taking a drink of and nearly choked to death because she finally noticed me with my then neon pink tongue stud that glowed under a black light. Because everyone needs stuff that glows under a black light. But I’m not going to lie, the biggest and worstest thing about having my tongue pierced is…

1) The fact that I seriously never notice it’s there so I never notice when I play with it – Like this past weekend when I was involved in a conversation and was listening to one man talk about all sorts of neat stuff from when he was growing up while he talked to another (much younger guy) guy about…well I spaced out a bit because I was tired and next thing I know, I hear “You’re gonna have to suck a generals cock to do that!” and I’m running the top and bottom of my tongue piercing along the fronts of my teeth while the younger guy that I kind of work for totally saw. Ahh, yes, nothing is more awesome than looking like you’re slathering over the thought of oral sex in front of two men…


One thought on “The Downside to Piercing My Tongue

  1. You know i have never been embarrassed about thinking about oral sex in front of two ladies.

    But then again having a tongue that wont quit is a handy thing to have around, I hear…..

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