Things I’ve Done To Get Out of a Bad Date…

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So back when I was 20, I lost a bet with a friend on this celibacy thing people sometimes do for whatever reasons a person would want to be celibate for. I’d just broken up with my boyfriend about a month before and was swearing off relationships for the rest of my life. She said I couldn’t do that because I liked sex too much. In her world sex equated to being in a relationship with someone, so she thought I was the same way. And she was totally wrong. To make this story short, she bet me that I couldn’t go one whole year without having sex. If I won, she’d steal me a new lawn gnome every month of the year. If she won, I had to go on one blind date of her choosing once a year for five years (unless I was in a relationship of course.

Keep in mind that at this time she was trying to set me up with a brother of one of her best friends…so this was a good set up for that.

Of course I lost. And I mean I really lost. You would think that me being a competitive person and liking to win that I would have held out for the full year or at least more than half the year, but I didn’t. Did I wait at least a month? A week? No and no. I actually lost that bet that very night. We went out dancing where we ran into this guy that I knew because he was a friend of a friend who I met at another friends birthday. Either way, the friend that I made the bet with found me naked in bed the next morning and she knew exactly what I had done after the cute guy whose name that I now forget followed me to my dorm.

The result of this story are 5 super bad dates because my friend clearly hates me, or clearly loves me because she’s making the effort to do something that she thinks will make me happy in the end. Either way she did it and I’m thankful for the attempt, but…I’m not going to lie : these dates were easily the worst that I’ve ever been on. Ever. Here they are in reverse chronological order:

2012) John – He tried to make me eat tomatoes by feeding me a piece of his tomato salad from his plate. So I rammed my face against his fork so hard that I bled a little bit and was able to go home and never speak to him again. I mean…why would I ever talk to a guy that stabbed me with a forkful of tomato?

2011) Tyler – He smelled like he had bathed in a combination of cat pee, rotten eggs and unwiped butts. When we were  getting coffee before going on a walk along the Sea Wall I made eye contact with a girl in the shop, mimed how bad he stunk and then mouthed “SAVE ME!” at her over and over again until she walked up to me, slapped me and started yelling at her for stealing her man. So I pushed her back and said that she couldn’t have my baby-daddy cuz she wasn’t woman enough for him. We were kicked out of the store and he never called again. (My friend claims that he’s always had a slight smell because he lives “naturally” and I think her nose is broken)

2010) Gurj – He tried to get me drunk and I wound up out drinking him. Ok, I still got tipsy in the process, but he was totally shittered. When I asked him to call me a cab home he said he could drive me and wouldn’t let me call a cab for myself. So I staggered with him to his SUV and he very drunkenly slobbered on/kissed me and said that I was drunk and going to have sex with him. I told him to hold on because I had to pee really bad, but asked him to warm the car up for me. I waited until he got in and turned the vehicle on then stumbled my way to the front of the bar where I called the cops and said some guy was drunk in a parking lot and trying to drive home and gave them the address of the pub we were at. Five minutes later I saw a police car pull into the parking lot and arrest the guy for being drunk and operating a vehicle. I said I’d never call him again because I don’t date men who get into trouble with the law.

2009) Thomas – Friend set it up to be a double date. Her boyfriend’s best friend was in town and she wanted to be with her man who was refusing to ditch his bro bro so I got dragged into the mess. I think her bf is a douche (she knows I think this) of the highest order and didn’t want to go on no stinkin’ date with him around so I said I felt sick. She didn’t believe me so she made me go out (there was much nagging involved until I caved). So I busted out my fave trick (I’ve done this trick three times now): I ordered a sea food appetizer, chewed a piece of shrimp, tried to swallow it and instead of forcing myself to swallow it, I let my instant gag reflex take over and I puked all over our table. Then I looked at my friend and said “I told you so.” (She knows now that I did this too, fyi)

2008) Wang – I’m honestly just not into Asian men. This guy was scrawny, had long hair, thick glasses and kept talking about how he’s never been with someone as exotic as me and rubbing my upper thighs and trying to rub my inner thighs. So I punched him. I told him if he touched me one more time that I’d punch his face in and he was all “heh heh heh, I rike it rrrrrruuuuffffff!” in his creepy Asian accent. He said it just like that too. He literally made the word “rough” sound like a dog bark – who the fuck does that ever and thinks its remotely sexy? Because he did. I’d actually been very polite up until this point, but I’d had enough of his creepy small Asian hands touching me so when he tried to shove his hand between my legs I wound my arm up and landed this huge hay-maker right in the middle of his Anime face. I also got up and left the restaurant we were in, making him to pay the bill.

I realize that in all of these situations that I could have just done the right thing and said that I wasn’t into them and walked away. But I promised my friend that I’d at least try…and I think that if I had honestly tried that I would have had to go on more dates than I cared to go on. Sadly what I did was the best that I could think of in those exact moments…well not so sadly. I still think most of it is darn entertaining, but I do realize that was I did was wrong and that someday Karma will make me its bitch. And I’m ok with that.

What’s the worst thing you’ve done to get out of a date?

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