Too Gosh Darned Early O’Clock


My phone rang yesterday morning at 3:09am. Normally this would be ok because normally I’d probably be awake anyway and wouldn’t care that my friends had decided to call for an early morning chat at the ass crack of dawn. In fact, I knew who was calling because she’s th only who ever dares to phone me at that hour so I rolled over and answered my phone…Despite having to be up at 6:30am to go to work.

Me – Die.
Melissa – Wait what? Were you asleep?
Me – Mhm. Die.
Melissa – After you tell me how to say no to sex.
Me – Say the gnome in your coochie is having a bad and is doing dishes and doesn’t like to be disturbed while doing dishes.
Melissa- There is possibly something wrong with you.
Me – I’d say there was, but I’m flawed to perfection. Pick your poison.
Melissa – Serious, how do you nicely say no to sex without offending the guy?
Me – I laugh at their penis. Then laugh more when they lose their woody.
Melissa – That’s mean! Be nice!
Me – No means no?
Melissa – You’re not being helpful.
Me – I’m half asleep, biotch. Why do you need to say no?
Melissa – I’m kind of over at his house. We fell asleep watching a movie and now he wants to get jiggy with it.
Me – I just want to get up in it, girl. No means no. Can I hit it for a minuet, girl? No means no.
Melissa – I swear he’s about to walk out of the bathroom and yell SURPRISE! at me before he pounces. Dude’s had a boner all night.
Me – Tell him you have super aids.
Melissa – You watch too much South Park.
Me – Then invent some super awful but will be cured after you stop talking to him super STI. Like Claporreahitis.
Melissa – Do you ever thinking normally?
Me – …on Tuesdays.
Melissa – Today is Thursday. Help me!
Me – I personally like the gnome idea.
Melissa – For someone terrified of midgets you are strangely obsessed with gnomes.
Me – If a gnome kills me, it’ll be magical. If a midget kills me, it’ll be down right terrifying and darn humiliating.

At this point I heard someone in the background with a deep voice ask if Melissa was going to come to bed. At which point she replied:


Imagine him reinforcing your lady bits…

Me – You lying snaggle tooth. How is that different from the gnome in your snizz?
Melissa – This is almost believable.
Me – You really should just say no. No means no. Even if he just want’s to hit it, girl. Or get up in it for a minuet, girl.
Melissa – Or tell him about the gnome in my snatch doing dishes?
Me – You need to learn how to lie creatively or not to lie at all. Or you need to learn to say no.
Melissa – Seriously though, you want me to tell him about the gnome?
Me – …
Melissa – I mean who would believe that?
Me – …
Melissa – Rai?
Me – …
Melissa – Did you seriously just fall asleep?
Me – …
Melissa – Wake up! I’m in need of friendly advice and no one else is awake at this hour! WAKE UP!
Me – No means no.
Melissa – I just need you to stay up for a minuet, girl…
Me – No means no.
Melissa – *Laughing* Fine. Have a good day and I hope your toes rot off for abandoning me.
Me – I hope the gnome breaks dishes in your Venus fly trap. Love you.
Melissa – Love you too, cootie queen.

Thusly, I was able to go back to sleep. I like to think the moral of this story is to not put all your chickens into one basket unless you’re able to carry all your chickens and try to have friends who are less obsessed with lawn gnomes.


3 thoughts on “Too Gosh Darned Early O’Clock

  1. You just left me hanging! WTF? Did Melissa end up shagging or just giving a handy to said guy? I will picture a handy for now. Also i think the Pussy Gnome is a fairly common monster. After all i should know i am a halfling.

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