The one where I’m 18 and got Chinese food


One of the first four courses that I took in university was Enlgish – Introduction to Fiction. I don’t remember a lot except we read an essay about how male dominated sports are a mans way to express his homosexual yearnings in a heterosexual environment. Oh and I met this girl named Amy from a small town near my small town and apparently at some point I hit her younger sister in the face with a volleyball during a game. She was an average girl who you never would have payed attention to until she laughed. Because when she laughed, she snorted and brayed like a donkey. She said it was the only way to laugh: To find something so funny that you lose control of what you’re doing and you just let it all out. Except for peeing when you’re in public because that’s hard to explain.

Her words, not mine.

Amy and I were close for a semester. We often ate dinner before our night classes (Mine was a horrific 3 hour long Linguistics lecture and her’s was a 2 hour English lecture) and spent a fair amount of time studying together. One week I missed our English lecture together and she took notes for me and brought me food while I pathetically huddled in my bed. That Thursday when I was feeling relatively human she brought down the usual gross fare that came from the SFU dorm dining hall. It was pasta of some sort in a white sauce that looked like great heaping globs of sperm and all we could do was sit in my bed staring at our plates.

Amy – “It looked better in the dining hall.”
Me – “I’m craving Chinese food.”

So I pulled on a pair of grungy jeans and an even grungier zip up hoodie and we hopped on a bus to Downtown Vancouver. I have no idea where we were going, or anything about where she was leading me, but according to her the best Chinese food that I’d ever had was at this place and it was dirt cheap too. I said it was because the cat was sub-par and she replied that they skimp on the cat a little, but they have such big portions that it’s worth it.

By the time we found the best Chinese food that I’ve ever had and it’s establishment, I was tired from the walking and had popped a little bit of a fever. So we ordered everything to go and started on our way back to our bus. Except that I was so tired that I didn’t want to do the 10 minuet walk so we started to look for a bus that would take us in that general direction or would take us back to campus or to somewhere that we knew would get us back to campus. Instead when we were walking up a street to a bus stop because we saw that it went to Metrotown, we came across a sex shop.

Now at this time, I was 18. One of the highlights of turning 18 for me was the fact that I could go into sex shops and buy porn. I mean, what the heck else was I supposed to do with my drivers license that declared me an 18 year old to all those who dared to look? Vote? No! To me, being 18 meant I should abuse my powers to go into sex shops, 7/11’s and book stores and buy porn.

So we rolled into this shop and started to look around. Now compared to the nicer stores that I’d been in up to this point, this places was kind of gross. I want to say it had a “seedy” feeling to it, but that would just be an almost lame descriptor to use because I swear there was an juice spattered on these walls. It was dingy, the toys looked scary, the guy behind the counter looked like a serial killer with a foot fetish (feet are gross, by the way) Amy was upset that she could see no obvious glory hole anywhere. But to make up for it’s lackings, the place had an incredible rental collection of porn that went all the way back to the 80’s.

For whatever reason, Amy and I wound up looking at all the videos. It was a 2 for 1 rental night and the videos had a 7-day return on them. I think that was the reason because we thought it was an awesome deal to pay $5 to see two pornographic movies of our choosing. The guy at the  til just stood there watching us as we debated what to rent.

Me – “How about this one? It looks like the girl is Chinese.”
Amy – “No, it says on the back she’s Japanese. Have you ever mixed Chinese food with Japanese porn?”
Me – “Umm, I don’t believe I have.”
Amy – “Me neither, but if it’s like mixing chicken chow mien with sushi covered in wasabi, I don’t think it’ll be good.”
Me – “Well, what would go good with Chinese food?”

Amy just shrugged. At this point I was feeling dizzy and kind of just wanted to go back to dorms so that I could eat and sleep. While watching porn. I was in the store and dangit, I wanted to be ID’d. So I turned to the man behind the counter who I figured was going to kidnap us and cut off our feet and we’d have to be avenged by some sort of Russian mafia because Amy was some guys daughter and tried to ask him as politely as I could, “Excuse me? What would you recommend to watch while eating Chinese food.”

He just stared at me while Amy and I stared at him and I hoped I could move quicker than Amy so that I could escape because she had the Russian mafia to save her or avenge her as the situation needed. Then I realized that I was bigger than Amy and should probably stay and help defend ourselves if our feet were about to be cut off. But as it turns out, I didn’t need to worry because with out missing a heartbeat the guy looked at me with this “WTF MATE?” expression on his face before he mumbled quietly, “Anything off the far right rack, I guess.”

Which was full of old timey porn so we picked out something with Ron Jeremy in it and one that had a photo of a woman on the cover who had the biggest bush of pubic hair that either of us had ever seen.

After getting asked to show our identification and getting a rental card for the store, Amy and I went back to dorms to curl up in her bed (She had a TV with a VHS attached to it), watch our movies and eat our very cold Chinese. Except I wound up taking two bites of our chop suey and promptly passed out before the first scene was over.


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