Mowing the Lawn


An example of my handiwork…

Sunday my dad asked me if I wanted to learn how to ride our ride ’em lawn mower. And Hells to the yeah I did! Nothing seems more fun in my opinion than riding around on my lawn and cutting me some grass. It all would have been great! I would have drove that thing round and circles and mowed me some lawn like a champ…except for the fact that my hard is mostly hill. Steep-ish hill.

So my mom had me mow our side yard which is all weird incline and all kinds of lopsided. Raise your hands if you’ve ever ridden a ride ’em mower while it’s tilted so sideways that if you didn’t lean against the tilt you would have fallen off!

I’m totally raising my hand right now.

Not lying! Being on that side hill was a core workout as I tipped, leaned and held on for my dear life as I drove in lopsided circle-squares on our side lawn. It was all to the tune of my mom yelling “GIVE IT SOME GAS!” and me singing “She’ thinks my tractor’s sexy! It’ really turns her oooonnnnnn! She’s always staring at meeeee! While I’m chuggin’ alllllong!” Eventually she gave up on me mowing the side lawn and told me to pull it over to our front lawn…despite the fact there was this little tuft of grass that I’d missed child I was chuggin’ along.

You have to praise my mom’s patience at this point in my life. Raising a daughter who is perpetually dumb and fucking crazy can’t be easy. Especially since I have no common sense. So I rolled up on my front lawn and started to drive in crazy circle shapes while trying to mow the little side hill on the other side of my house. I was still singing about my sexy tractor and…

I don’t even know what to say except for the fact that by the time I was down mowing my lawn – Read: By the time mom made me stop mowing the lawn- my yard kind of looked like a blind monkey hopped up on meth and pixie sticks had attacked it with a dull hatchet.

Course practice makes perfect, so I’m waiting for the grass to grow again so I can hop back on my mower, sing about my sexy tractor and see if I can do it right…or slightly less horrific next time.


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