Ever since I was a child my mom has tried to lead me down a path of positivity and light. For the most part she has succeeded, for the rest of it, well…At least it’s funny and we have fun. My latest mantra is life is “When my mom judges me for what I do, then you can have a turn too.” I like it because it rhymes. I also like it because my mom mostly just laughs at my shenanigans. She is the first person to accept me for exactly who I am and the last one to ever stop supporting me. If my mom is mad at me, then I know I’m in trouble. With that said, over the years we’ve come up with a ritual for whenever I’m being left anywhere unsupervised.
I say: Okay, lady! Love you!
And then she says: Love you too, baby. Be safe, no kissing, no drugs, no drinking and no ritualistic killing of animals.
Or at least that’s what she used to say to me when I was a teen. Nowadays is different. Mom knows I have sex, she knows that I drink and…ok, these days my momma just says what she just texted me as I’m getting ready to head to town to visit a friend:
Parental Units-Momma: k b safe. no ritualistic killings…U know the drill
So these days I’m simply forbidden ritualistic killings and just have to be safe. I’m pretty sure it’ll be a scary day when that gets added to my list of things that I’m allowed to do like kissing, drinking and drugs. Though I guess it might be better than how my dad and I say good-bye…
I say: Kay. Love you, daddy. See you later!
And then he says: Love you too. Be safe.
So I say: I’m always safe.
And he replies: Except that one time.
Then I agree: Except that one time.
After all these things are done and said, I run out the door with my dads car keys and drive off into the horizon to obey my parents rules. I stay say safe (except that one time I crashed my car in 2005 that I haven’t lived down yet), I don’t ritualistically kill anything and I try to be home at reasonable hours. Because that’s what good kids do.