Throwing Spiders At My Dog

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My dog, Moose is a 130lbs (or there abouts) Mastiff/Lab cross. He’s bitten me while play fighting with my dad (not hard, just a warning nip) and snuggles his family when they’re sick. He has his own blanket, his own couch and gets covered up with blankets when he’s cold. He’s fiercely protective of his house and family and is about the best dog that anyone can have. He’s also a big baby! Moose has never in his life spent a night outside except for the one morning where I put him outside at 3am to go pee and forgot him out there until morning. Oops.

He also happens to be terrified of spiders.One time a spider dropped down onto his butt and he went running over to mom with a wild eyed look of fear on his face while he rubbed up against her in his demand that she get it off him. He hates spiders such much that when he sees them crawling on the floor he goes out of his way to step on them and squish them. I’m totally for serial too! I’ve seen him stop, look at a spider across the room and then walk over and squish it.

Today I was out in the living room talking to my mom and dad with a spider dropped off the ceiling onto the pillow I was leaning on. I gasped and right away tried to flick it away from me. Unfortunately I happened to be facing my mom and Moose when this happened. Fortunately I missed because it tried to scurry off so I jumped up to run away from it while Moose jumped up to see what the big deal was…and saw the spider and immediately scooted away from where he was chilling out and bumming food off mom and dad.

I quickly squished the spider after that, but the damage was done.

Moose had seen the spider and knew that I had come very close to flicking the spider at him so he lay on the floor pouting before he went to cry to his daddy.

And dad being dad looked at Moo and said “Ohhhh noooooo! She being mean and throwing spiders at you? Come here, I’ll protect you.” So Moose went over and hugged his daddy and leaned on him for protection because he was just that scared. He also was glaring at me because he knew it was me who had almost thrown a spider at him. I tried to say I was sorry but he was having none of it. He just stayed by his daddy pouting and giving me dirty looks.

Or at least that’s what he did until I came out of the kitchen with pepperoni slices for him. Then he sort of forgave me, but Moose holds grudges so after getting his snack off me he turned his back and went to bum snacks off of other people. Hopefully he’ll forget about his grudge by tomorrow, if not…ok, I don’t know what I’ll do if my dog decides to hold a grudge that long against me.

 

 

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My Undies Are Trouble

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Today I decided to do a load of laundry. There just happened to be a basket of dirty “whites” waiting for me and calling my name to be cleaned. And yes, some of my clothes were in there so that was the basket that was getting washed. However,  my undies happen to be trouble when in the wash, and today was no different. I tossed in the load of “whites” containing my gonch, my dad’s socks and undies and some of my mom’s bras into the washer and went to Barriere to grab a few groceries that mom said we needed for the night.

Naturally the washer was done by the time I got home so I let my dog, Moose, out to pee while I went to toss everything into the dryer. Or at least that was the plan until I realized there was a big clump of clothes stuck together at the bottom of the dryer that wasn’t going to come out unless I broke something. Initially I thought it was one of my mom’s bra’s that was the issue, but it wasn’t. As I slowly freed one sock after another and carefully extricated my dads socks without ripping them, I started see that everything was held together by a strip of black that had wrapped around the middle swisher thing in the washer. Again, I figured it was one of my mom’s bra’s being the douche canoe and holding up the laundry process.

And again I was wrong. I’m a super duper knot remover and take-er-apart-er. So after a few minuets of untangling socks, boxer-briefs, bras and undies I started to notice the black material holding together everything was cotton and elastic. Soon my Little Miss Trouble undies were free and I was glad to see they weren’t the culprit as I started to suspect. I mean, what other pair of undies would wreak such havoc with a load a laundry other than my Little Miss Trouble gonch?

Finally! Everything was set free except for three of my dad’s socks and one of my mom’s bra and I could see what had caused all of the trouble. See what I saw, I knew the trouble maker of that load of laundry was no longer salvageable so I ripped the material a part to free my mom’s bra and dad’s socks to come up with a very mangle and now torn up black thong.

It was one of my favorites too.

Sadly I know this is what happens when you try to cause too much trouble: Someone will eventually rip you a new one and you’ll be left out to dry where ever you happened to be tossed.

On another note: I’m sure my mom will yell at me later because she found a torn up thong laying somewhere random in our basement.

Surprised I Didn’t Drown

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Swimming looked like a good idea right?

Today I decided to get a little sun. So I packed up a good book, my notebook and pen, towel, made myself a big mug of ice water and snagged up my iPod Nano. Then I hopped into my moms truck and drove down to the North Thompson River near a back eddy where my dad used to take me and my sister fishing when we were kids. I didn’t bring a fishing rod because I was scared about ruining something. I figured I would read a little bit, write a little something and get some sun. I got down to the river and noticed that most of the beach area that I normally sit on was flooded. I also dipped my toes in the water and noticed that the water wasn’t that cold.

And it was rather hot out.

Plus I love swimming.

So without really testing the water I launched myself off the bank and over the drop off in front of me and my whole body went into immediate WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO?! shock. I mean it colder than cold. In that moment my nipples could have cut diamonds and I had enough goose flesh that I could have been turned into a nice goose coat. Right away I pushed for the surface and tried to put my feet down on river bottom to stand up. Just as my head popped out of the water, I went right back down under as my feet found no river bottom and sunk for the briefest of seconds. The shock of not finding a place to stand up and sinking back under water sent my body into a more frantic YOU’RE A FREAKING MORON! shock. After sinking for barely a second though it felt like ages, my feet hit the river bottom and I pushed myself back to the surface of the river.

And my shorts shot down from my hips, over my thighs and tangled around my ankles. My mind at this point was numb as it groaned, ARE YOU SERIOUS? WE’RE GOING TO DIE WITH OUR SHORTS AROUND OUR ANKLES? I kind of giggled at myself and kicked my shorts off and scrambled back towards the shore while trying to grab my shorts before they floated away. Because I think they were my dads shorts and he’d notice if they gone and I’d be forever razzed about the time I went swimming and lost his shorts in the river. So now you can picture me in a black and blue tank top and little black thong frantically trying  get out of the icy water…

Except the drop off I was running up was all loose sand so it was kind of like running in place while I drove my knees up as hard as I could scrambled to find purchase with my feet. I tripped, stumbled and got a serious wedgie for all of my efforts. I finally made it out of the water and flopped down on my towel. As I lay there I remembered all the times that I had gone swimming at my Great Grandma’s house when I was a kid during my summer breaks. I remembered all the times I had floated with my sister and older cousin in the currents and then scrambled up steep drop offs that always gave away under our feet, trying to get to a little piece of land before the river took us away on its currents.

Seriously, how did I not die? I mean, we always made it out of the current before it too us away from the banks that we swam along. But it always ended in this scramble of us pushing our little legs as hard as they would go to get out of the water or to be able to firmly plant our feet on the river bottom so we didn’t get swept off. Of course, Grandma always told us to never play in the water, but we never listened. We’d perpetually be down in the water, swimming in the shallows, playing with Uncle’s boat and floating on the currents. I never felt like I was in danger, but after today I have to wonder how the heck did I never die or come close to dying?

I also have to wonder how I tolerated the cold water. Even after I got out of the water my body was still slightly shocked at the temperature change and I actually shivered for a bit until the sun dried everything but my clothes. Then I pulled my shorts back on and noticed that I had sand all over them so rather than just taking them off and rinsing them off, I jumped back in. This time I didn’t jump too far out and was able to stand right away and run back onto shore. I couldn’t help but wonder how I did this as a kid and never gave a second thought to how cold I was or how cold the water was: I was just happy to be in the water and having fun.

Was I just as stupid, crazy and irresponsible as a kid as I was as a teen or was I just a kid who enjoyed the good things in life cold water be damned?

6 Things I Think of When I’m Suffering Writers Block

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It happens to everyone and I swear it’s happened to me more and more when I’m attempting to write a daily post, so here or the 6 things that I think of when I should be attempting to make my daily post:

  1. I have to go pee – In all seriousness, I will just go sit on the toilet and strike my best “Thinker’s” pose for a good 5 minuets just to avoid not having anything to write about.
  2. I should clean my room – I never do, but I normally make an attempt like reorganizing my books that leads to me reading a novel in under 6 hours in order to avoid writing.
  3. My hair needs to be straightened – I didn’t do this today, but I will often spend a good  hour straightening and styling my hair to avoid writing.
  4. Music! Makes the people, come together! Yeah! – Then I blast music and dance around my house for 10 minuets or more. Sometimes I will play my Zumba for the Wii game.
  5. I’m hungry – This is my worst habit ever. If I want to procrastinate on anything suddenly I get the urge to eat. I’m not hungry by any means, but cooking is a good timesuck, so I do it.
  6. I really should just sit down and write… – Then I settle in to write and spend hours writing stuff like proposals, bursaries and chapters to my novel rather than a post for here.

Then when all this thinking is said and done, I have 5 minuets until midnight and I realize with all of these things that I’ve thought of during the day while attempting to get my post done, I’ve made myself a daily blog post. What’s your favorite procrastination technique?

Light Summer Reading

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A little light summer reading perhaps?

As much as I love new books, I’ve just realized (again – I had this realization last summer too) in the past couple of weeks that I literally have over $1000 worth of books in my bedroom. Of course if I sold them all now I would probably barely make $100 off of them, but I have no intention of selling the bulk of my books, so I might as well read them right? Right. So I’ve started rereading all of the books that I have collecting dust in my room. I started off with Kelley Armstrong and then I realized, I haven’t studied crime in a long time so I started looking though my criminology textbooks and found a personal favorite (It’s not a criminology text, just has to do with crime)…

It’s called “A Criminal History of Mankind” and it is so incredibly outdated, but so totally relevant that I love reading it. And rereading it. And rereading it. The first section of the book that I’m currently working my way through is the section on the “motiveless crime”. Basically it talks about how people commit crime so they can be “known” or rather, “make a name for themselves.” It’s not a new phenomenon, this idea of wanting to be famous, but it is an ever increasing pressure, in my opinion, during these modern times. One of the examples given is a young man who sat next to a lady in a theatre and decided that she would be the perfect victim for committing the perfect crime. The next day they met up and he killed her…and then later got caught because he couldn’t keep his perfect crime to himself.

That’s what I’ve been reading. I can’t wait until I get to the part about the guy who turned his house into a murder house. Seriously, this dude had chutes for transporting bodies, different rooms for killing people in different ways and all sorts of morbidly interesting stuff. However, that’s much later in the book so until I get to that part, I’m leaving you with my smoothie recipe because light summer reading requires a nice summer drink to go with it.

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup frozen berries (I use the mixed berry mix you find in any store of blackberries, blueberries and raspberries)
  • 1/2 cup fresh raspberries (I’m a freak for raspberries)
  • 1 cup fresh diced pineapple
  • 1 cup juice (your pick, but I use orange juice or cranberry juice)
  • 1/2 cup greek yogurt (pick your flavour but I like strawberry or raspberry)
  • 1 tsp protein powder (this is optional if you want to make this a breakfast drink, I recommend hemp protein since it has the least flavour of all the protein powders)

Instructions:

  • Blend until smooth (It’s a smoothie yeah?)
  • Pour into a big cup or multiple smaller cups
  • Add straws and enjoy (Every enjoyable drink needs to be sipped with a straw in my opinion)

There you have it! Light summer reading (It was either the Criminal History, Harry Potter or Ethical Theories) and a nice summer drink. Do you have anything that you love to do with your summer days?

P.S I hit 100 “Likes” a few days ago so thank you to everyone who reads my blog for hitting the like button!

Falling Cows

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This past week I’ve driven into Kamloops (The nearest city to where I live with my parents), four days in a row. And for four days in a row I’ve wound up giggling while driving through the same area. That means at least twice a day I was giggling my butt off as I thought about my mom and the crazy things she thinks of.

You see, one day we were driving into Kamloops and we drove past a set of cliffs that are along the high way and she asked, “What if a cow fell off the cliff?”

And then she started giggling.

I was convinced my mom had gone psycho because I thought it would suck if a cow fell off the cliff and it landed on somebody. So I said so, “Well it would suck if it landed on somebody. Image! You’re just driving along and then BAM! Cow in your windshield.

Then she started giggling even more and I wanted to pull over and switch drivers. My mother had clearly passed from being good-crazy into being take her drivers license away-crazy. Seriously, she couldn’t stop giggling. And my moms giggles are infectious too so to my horror I started giggling with her as I thought of cows falling on peoples windshields. I couldn’t help it: My moms laugh is always better than anything she’s laughing at. If she thinks it’s funny, then it’s funny because she’s just got one of those laughs. So I wound up giggling thinking about cows falling off cliffs and landing on some unsuspecting victims cars.

It also made me think of that scene from the movie Twister, where the cow was being whipped around by the tornado…

Anyway, the real reason why mom was giggling became clearer as she continued talking, “What do you think the other cows would do?”

I just looked at her weird and said, “I don’t know.”

At this point she had tears in her eyes as she laughed, “They would probably fall over the cliff too!”

I was flabbergastered. Are cows that dumb? So I asked, “Why because one cow jumped they’re all gonna jump?”

Mom started laughing even harder, “No. They would probably get curious, go and look and then fall off too!”

At that point I gave up asking about the falling cows. I was laughing too hard thinking about these lemming-cows falling off the cliff and landing on unsuspecting people. BAM! Cow in your face! And since then, mom has laughed just as hard every time we’ve driven past this spot and asked “What if a cow fell off a cliff?”

Do you have any parts of your day that continually make you giggle and are as funny the fourth time as they were the first time?

Weird Good-Byes

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Ever since I was a child my mom has tried to lead me down a path of positivity and light. For the most part she has succeeded, for the rest of it, well…At least it’s funny and we have fun. My latest mantra is life is “When my mom judges me for what I do, then you can have a turn too.” I like it because it rhymes. I also like it because my mom mostly just laughs at my shenanigans. She is the first person to accept me for exactly who I am and the last one to ever stop supporting me. If my mom is mad at me, then I know I’m in trouble. With that said, over the years we’ve come up with a ritual for whenever I’m being left anywhere unsupervised.

I say: Okay, lady! Love you!

And then she says: Love you too, baby. Be safe, no kissing, no drugs, no drinking and no ritualistic killing of animals.

Or at least that’s what she used to say to me when I was a teen. Nowadays is different. Mom knows I have sex, she knows that I drink and…ok, these days my momma just says what she just texted me as I’m getting ready to head to town to visit a friend:

Parental Units-Momma: k b safe. no ritualistic killings…U know the drill

So these days I’m simply forbidden ritualistic killings and just have to be safe. I’m pretty sure it’ll be a scary day when that gets added to my list of things that I’m allowed to do like kissing, drinking and drugs. Though I guess it might be better than how my dad and I say good-bye…

I say: Kay. Love you, daddy. See you later!

And then he says: Love you too. Be safe.

So I say: I’m always safe.

And he replies: Except that one time.

Then I agree: Except that one time.

After all these things are done and said, I run out the door with my dads car keys and drive off into the horizon to obey my parents rules. I stay say safe (except that one time I crashed my car in 2005 that I haven’t lived down yet), I don’t ritualistically kill anything and I try to be home at reasonable hours. Because that’s what good kids do.