My Shoes Are Weapons


This morning just slightly before 6am I was woke up. I have no idea what woke me up, but I decided to get up and go pee. That’s when I realized I heard this strange scratching noise so I turned around and saw a raccoon climbing into my window! I flipped my shit because a) A raccoon was climbing in my window and b) I was buck ass naked. I mean, what does anyone do in that situation? I was clueless so I just stood there and the raccoon froze with it’s head in my window.

Then it hissed and I remembered how vicious these things are and one of my guy friends told me that he used to have to fight raccoons when he lived back in Toronto because they were crazy and mean little fuckers and that if you got bit by one you had to get a rabies needle in your stomach. And one was crawling into my window. Into my 10×10 bedroom. Where I was buck ass naked.

So what did I do?

Well if you look at the picture I’ve posted you’ll know what my room looks like. I mean that was after I’d cleaned so now there are panties, plates, 7/11 slurpee cups and all manner of things laying all over the place, but the placement of the furniture is accurate. Oh and I need to point out right now that there are shoes everywhere. Basketball shoes, my comfy runners, flip flops and ballet flats are all over the place because I take my shoes off and leave them where they land. Also if you look in the picture you can kind of see a pink sock monkey with its arms wrapped around a glass vase that holds my bamboo shoot that my mom bought me last month.

The raccoon was still trying to open my window and move my screen enough to crawl into my suite. I think it was stuck a little bit too so in a freaked out move I quickly grabbed the glass vase and set it on the ground next to a ballet flat which was near a basketball shoe that I picked up, took a step back and took aim at the invading animal.

Thankfully my daddy taught me how to not throw like a girl and all of those years taunting me that I throw like a girl to get me to throw harder paid off. Also thankfully my parents enrolled me into a lot of sports as a child and teen because I’m pretty sure having the ability to accurately throw anything that I have in my hands because I knocked that raccoon the fuck out. Not only did I hit it hard enough to knock it out, but I hit it hard enough to knock it out of my window and back outside from whence it came. A first I was all “Whew! Glad I didn’t piss it off by tossing a smelly shoe at it!”

Then I realized that I’d just thrown a size 10 Adidas basketball shoe at a tiny woodland creature with every once of strength that I had at a close distance. With that realization I realized that I’d just hit a tiny woodland creature with a size 10 Adidas basketball shoe that I’d thrown so hard it got knocked back out of my window.

Then I realized it wasn’t even 6am yet and I’d have to get dressed to go check on the raccoon.

So I pulled on a pair of jeans and dressed in clothes that I hoped were “raccoon bite proof” and walked outside to check on the raccoon to assure myself that I didn’t kill it and would therefore have to eat it because I was raised on the concept that you usually have to eat woodland creatures if you kill them unless they’re bugs. That was the chief worry in my mind: that I’d have to either bury or eat the evidence that I’d killed a raccoon.

Thank my lucky stars because not only was that mornings creature feature out cold, but it was also breathing.

It looked kind of cute too. I briefly debated hog tying it and attempting to tame it as a totally awesome pet. I’d name him Louie and he’d cuddle me on those cold winter nights.

Then I remembered that raccoons are vicious creatures that one of my friends used to have to fight and wondered exactly that the Hell my friend was doing that he had to fight raccoons. Is it something people do on the East Coast of Canada to pass time? Fight vicious raccoons? Anyway! I remembered that this was a vicious creature that would have murdered me in my sleep had I not woken up so I left it where it was lying and made a mental note to check on it later and I went back to bed.

Hours later when I checked on it, it was gone and the lady next door started to yell at me what a nice day it was. So I yelled back at her that indeed it was a nice day. Then I asked her if her raccoon problem was as bad as mine and told her about how one wanted to kill me this morning and almost succeeded until I woke up and beaned it with a shoe. She was horrified because I brought up the fact that not only did I bean the creature, but I hit it hard enough to knock it out for an unknown period of time and possibly give it the concussion of a lifetime.

Well, as it turns out, she called the SPCA and had someone come over and talk to me. The guy wasn’t the least bit amused when I told him that I was just happy I didn’t kill it because I didn’t want to have to eat it. He gave me a strange look and told me that cruelty to animals was against the law. I claimed it was self defense. He countered that I should be more respectful of  Mother Nature’s creatures. I replied they should respect my personal space because I was naked after all. He said that if I hit the raccoon as hard I said it did, it probably woke up and went somewhere to die. I said he was fine. SPCA guy said that it was not fine. So I told him either the raccoon was alive and fine or it was dead and tasting fine. Either way, it was fine. He then tried to lecture me on how we have to share the Earth with these creatures and how by taking some cautionary steps I could avoid my home being invaded by these beautiful creatures.

So I showed him the picture that I have of my dad shortly after he shot one of his record book holding deer. I wish I had a scanner so I could post it on here, but I don’t. This is just a picture that I take with me whenever I move away from home because I think it’s pretty bad ass that my dad shot a record holding deer. The guy from the SPCA on the other hand…was horrified and immediately left with a warning for me not to harm anymore raccoons.

I’m pretty sure he went to call PETA and they are now on their way to kill me because PETA would rather see me dead than let another raccoon get a shoe whipped at its head for invading my personal space while I was naked.

And before I forget…HAPPY EARTH DAY!


3 thoughts on “My Shoes Are Weapons

  1. I saw a dead raccoon left on the sidewalk for the garbage collecters to pick up two nights ago. It might be a Toronto thing to fight with raccoons. I’m new to the city, and that was the first one I’ve ever seen and after reading this post I’m glad I haven’t come across a live one yet.

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