I currently live in a world where all of my friends are having babies, have raised children in the time I’ve been in school or are in the process of making a baby. It scares the the dickens out of me that it feels like yesterday my friends were pregnant with little “Oopsies” and today a few of them are actually trying to get knocked up. While I’ve been in school two of my friends have raised two beautiful daughters that I got to see when they were little and were baby-cute and I’ve been around lots of adorable babies and toddlers, but I’ve never felt the urge to say “I want one.” There was a brief period in my past where I was with a man who I would have been ok having kids with, but I soon realized that wasn’t what I really wanted.
What I really want is to never be pregnant. Ever. It actually bothers the snot out of me that people keep saying “Oh, you’ll want kids when you get older!” Puh-lease! I’m twenty-freaking-five years old! Give me a little credit in being mature enough to realize that I never want my birth canal to actually be used as a birth canal. I mean, if I didn’t want kids when I was 16, didn’t want babies when I was 20 and don’t want kids now that I’m 25, I seriously doubt I’ll ever get the urge to actually birth a child of my own.
And here are my top 5 years why I’ll never have kids:
5. I’m by far too selfish of a human being – I’m the sort of person who slept through my dog trying her best to wake me up because she had to pee. I was really tired and when she tried to wake me, I got mad and pulled a blanket over my head and told her to go back to sleep. Instead she peed on my bedroom floor. I briefly debated sleeping in the living room after that and trying to convince my mom to clean the mess up, but I knew that would be an asshole move so I cleaned up the mess and passed back out again. Now, I love my dog, Betsy with all of my heart and soul. She is the most genuine and happy dog that I’ve ever been around. She’s not very smart, but she loves me and I love her. If I’m not willing to wake up to see to her needs, what will I do if there’s a crying baby? That and I have issues cleaning up my own messes (Ask my mom!), why would I ever want to clean up after some one else too?
4. I hate being sick – There is nothing worse in the world to me than puking. Or being sick without having any drugs on hand to make me feel less sick for a brief period of time. Though puking is about the worst thing that can happen to me. There is something about not having control over my body that scares the living crap out of me and turns me into a shaking and crying mess every time I decide to sick up. It’s even worse when other people get sick in front of me! The moment I see another being puking, it takes all my will power not to join them in a chorus or retching and ralphing. Mostly though, I hate the idea of “morning sickness” that I’ve seen and heard of my friends going through. The idea of puking that much just isn’t worth wanting to have a kid of my own. Don’t get me wrong, you as a mommy might be ok with that and all the power to you for that. You have my respect. However, I happen to hate puking a lot and as a result: I never want to have kids of my own.
3. I’ve never changed a diaper in my life – That’s right. Never. Even when I took a baby-sitting course when I was 12 I didn’t change a diaper since that was a requirement to pass the course. I still passed the course, I was just really sneaky when it came time for us to actually change the real baby that the lady brought in for us to practice on. Of course the baby had on those ridiculous diapers that needed the huge pin to hold them together! I was 12, not retarded, and there was no way in Hell I was letting myself be near an infant when I had a giant safety pin in my hands. I was just as likely to give the kid a fancy new urination hole in its tummy as I was to actually pin a diaper on properly. Since then I’ve actually turned down money to baby-sit peoples kids who weren’t potty trained. My rule has always been that unless they can wipe their own ass, I don’t want to take care of them. It’s actually my plan that if I ever do want kids, I’m going to adopt a child that comes fully potty trained and who I can eat cookies with…because I really hate the idea of changing diapers. In fact, I normally leave the room when it comes to changing time. If I stay in the room while you change your kid, I really like you. Or there is no where to run, but for friendship sakes, I’ll say that I really like you. You also know that I really like you if you happen to be one of the two people who I’ve offered to learn how to change diapers for. I also thank you for not busting that cherry just yet. Your child thanks you too. I’m more than likely to screw up diapering a kid than I am to actually get a diaper on them. Just envision coming home to your kid with a towel duct taped to its person because I couldn’t figure out how to change their diaper…
2. I don’t like pain – Well, I don’t like some types of pain. For example: I cried and was in a horrendous amount of pain when I dislocated my right knee a few years ago, but about two months after that I took 10 hard lashes that left welts from a whip and loved it. Another example: last year I took my dog, Betsy, for a run, but because our neighbours always let their rat dogs run loose and I didn’t want to get in trouble for my dog killing theirs I took her through some back trails to get down to the main road where we usually ran. We went a little ways off the trail and just as I was stepping over a log, Betsy saw a deer and tried to chase it causing me to slip and land straddling the log. I barely made it home and would later find out that I’d torn my vag-jay-jay in several places and was borderline requiring stitches in some spots. It hurt and if I didn’t like my vag getting some minor tearing from that, then I know that a baby coming out of there won’t be good times either. That type of pain I’d like to avoid and I can partially avoid it by never having kids. Spankings, piercings and stuff like that I actually like, but otherwise I have zero tolerance for pain and try to avoid getting hurt as much as possible. Read that as: I avoid getting pregnant as much as possible too! Hello two forms of contraception at all times!
1. Poop – That’s all I have to say for my number one reason why I’ll never have kids. Poop. Need I say more?
End note: I love my mom and I’m thankful everyday for the fact that she carried me to term, dealt with 36 hours of labour and a C-section to bring me into this world and then spent the next 25+ years taking care of me in every way possible. I also have a huge respect for my friends who have kids, are pregnant or planning to have kids. Every single one of you are by far better people than I am.