One of my weirder habits has always been my habit to fall asleep on the toilet. I’m sure everyone has had those moments where you wake up, need to pee and stumble out to the potty room with your eyes half closed to do your business. Well I do that too. Most of the time I’ll wake up and barely be awake when I think “Oh gosh, I gotta pee” and then I’m up and tripping my way to the bathroom. Other times that I fall asleep on the porcelain throne is when I’ve been pulling all nighters studying or writing papers. There is just something nice about taking a break that when I sit down to pee, my whole body relaxes and then my eyes are closed and I’ve fallen asleep. In either case, it happens sometimes and for the most part it’s the best two minuet sleep that I can get.
Emphasis on two minuet sleep. I rarely ever fall asleep for more than a couple of minuets. I usually realize that I’ve drifted off while sitting on the shitter and snap awake enough to drag myself back to bed. I can remember doing this since I was a kid. Especially since I was living at home because our toilet there is close enough to a wall for me to lean on while I pee. The combination of being sleepy already, having a nice wall to lean on and the bathroom usually being toasty warm causes me to close my eyes, enjoy peeing and quickly zonk out.
But like I said before, I’ve never fallen asleep longer than a few minuets.
Except for one time when I was back home for a summer from school. I’d just gotten home from a three night and four day camping trip with a bunch of kids that were in the summer camps I was running and I was exhausted. The week had been rough as I dealt with critical adults, rain and the kids. Truth be told though, the kids were great, it was just all of the extra adults who ruined our fun. So after a week of sleeping in a tent and being cold because I had to give up my extra blankets to a kid who forgot his and one of the kids bringing her leaky tent for the third week in a row I was physically tired, mentally exhausted and emotionally beat. Oh and I was dehydrated so from the moment I got home I was sipping on water consistently.
Naturally this meant that at just after 2am I really needed to pee. So I pushed myself up off my bed, tripped and slammed against the little piece of wall between my door and closet. I jiggled my door open, tripped and slammed against the wall across from my room. I righted myself, over corrected and staggered against the opposite wall until I could lurch into my bathroom. My shorts were down around my knees as I slammed and locked the bathroom door behind me. Halfway across the bathroom I was hopping awkwardly to the toilet because my shorts were tangled around my ankles. I actually almost tripped in my half asleep hurry to get to the toilet and barely caught myself on the counter before slamming my head off of the toilet.
Finally I sat down just in the nick of time before the longest pee in the world spouted forth from me. With how tired I was, I leaned up against the next to my toilet and closed my eyes.
I only woke up because I made a noise in my sleep and scared myself awake.
Then I got even more scared because I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down. I had been asleep on the can long enough that my lower body had fallen asleep! I mean I couldn’t feel anything. I poked at my legs and I could see my fingers poking at my thighs and pinching my knees, but I had no feeling in my legs. In fact, I couldn’t even tense my muscles to stand up. At this point I was starting to freak out because everyone from the waist down was dead. Did I just paralyze myself from passing out on the can? Was that possible?
Keep in mind that I was still half asleep as I tried to figure this out.
So I wiped, flushed and lifted myself up by bracing myself against the wall and the counter. Then I inched myself along the counter and started to force my legs to move. After a minuet my legs were able to hold my weight while I washed my hands. It was at this point that the pain started creeping into my legs. You know that pain you get when one of your body parts falls asleep and all of the tingling, sharp, needles all over pain. The pain was in my feet, my thighs, my knees, my calves and…my vag!
Oh my freaking gosh! I could have handled the pain in my legs, but these sharp pains needling my nether regions was horrific! With all of the pain that was happening from my waist down I wound up holding myself up against the counter while I flexed one muscle group after another in an attempt to get my lower self to wake up. I was in full on tears while I was trying not to fall on the floor. The moment was just too much pain and way too funny for me not to cry. I mean, here I was in my bathroom with my basketball shorts down around my ankles, I could barely stand and I was experiencing the worst pain in my groinal area that I had never felt before.
Eventually, everything woke up and I was able to stumble back to bed. It was just past 5am which meant that I had been in the bathroom for around 3 hours. Thankfully I had that Friday off because after the week I had and after my coochie falling asleep for the first time in its life, I wasn’t waking up at 7am for no one.