Note: I forgot to post yesterday. After a boring Geography lecture, a hard work out and relaxing bath, writing more or less slipped my mind. So here I go again! Let’s see if I can hit the 7 day goal and then work up from there.
In my second year of university I took summer courses so that I could finish my degree a year early. Sadly the four courses I was taking meant that I was in lecture 8 times a week and had tutorials (like labs, but for arts students) 4 times a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays I had three 1 hour and 50 minuet lectures back to back to back starting at 10am. Tuesdays were bad because I had a 1 hour tutorial right after my last lecture of the day. That meant for 7 hours straight, I was in class with 10 minuet breaks every hour.
This meant that I usually packed a lunch, packed snacks, my note books, my text books and two water bottles (one for water, one with juice). It also meant that if I had no time to really do anything else. My class breaks were long enough to go pee and the breaks between my classes were enough to either pee or get food and head to my next class. I didn’t have a lot of time for anything and being a girl that hates and refuses to poop in public washrooms (unless it’s my dorm washroom), that meant if I had to poop that I was holding it in until I got home just after 5pm.
Well one day I was in one of the bigger lecture halls at SFU and sitting in the very back row like I usually do. If you haven’t seen the lecture halls at SFU, they are actually fairly well designed to project sound really well from the front to the back and from the back to the front. Especially in the larger halls meant to seat hundreds of students. On this particular day I didn’t get to have my morning bowel relocation and my tummy was kind of demanding something be evicted and evicted soon. Not having time to run back to my dorm and do my business, I was uncomfortably fidgeting through most of my lecture while one of the girls that I’d met and made friends with that semester was demanding that I just go and poop my brains out to end my discomfort so I could focus on the lecture.
Sadly, I was the better note taker between the two of us so in her mind she wanted me focusing on note taking rather than on the fact that I needed to go twosies and I needed to go soon. Plus all my shifting around was somewhat frightening for her since she was, for the moment, living with the fear that I was going to shit myself.
Here I was sitting in the middle of my Political Science lecture, needing to poop and waiting 10 minuets for the class to end when my nose started to tingle and feel ticklish. I couldn’t help but think “Oh no!” as I rubbed my nose and hoped that my nose was just itchy and that I didn’t need to sneeze. I held my breath to try and get the sneeze to go away. I scrunched my eyes closed real tight.
I honestly did my best not to sneeze because I needed to drop a deuce that badly. I could hold it until the end of the lecture rolled around and I could run home to poop, but I didn’t know what would happen if I sneezed. Sadly after years of my mother yelling “LET IT ALL OUT” whenever I sneezed, my sneezes were never gentle or easy. They were explosive, powerful and always made me see stars for a few seconds afterwards. Can you see why I was doing my best not to sneeze?
Of course I sneezed, but it wasn’t any ordinary sneeze. Not only did my loud “AH-CHOO” echo to the front of the lecture hall causing everyone to turn around and glare at me, but one of the loudest farts I’d ever heard blasted out of me at the same time. Now, not only did it hurt to sneeze and fart at the same time, but to do it in the middle of a lecture where everyone around me heard, it was fricking embarrassing too. Sadly, being embarrassed about the fact that everyone heard me fart was the least of my worries.
My biggest worry was the fact that now I really needed to evacuate my bowels and the cloud of stink that was now drifting around me. And this wasn’t an ordinary stink. This was a stink that happens after you hold in a poop for over two hours. To me, it smelt like someone had taken a rancid baby diaper filled with green baby poop, stirred in rotten coleslaw and then left it out in a desert sun for a few hours while cursing at it the entire time. Now, we all know that we can tolerate our own stink that we create to some degree, which I did, but no one else is going to be able to handle it unless they have super strong tummies.
The girl that I was with was both gagging and laughing at the same time. In between gags and giggles she asked me, “Did you just snart?!” I had no idea what she was asking until she explained that a sneeze and a fart at the same time was a “snart.” Then I got it and had to laugh at that.
The girl in front of us gagged and ran out of the lecture hall while the guy on the other side of me looked like he had just puked in his mouth a little bit. And the rest of the class who couldn’t smell my stink was laughing uncontrollably at my “snart” while I just sat there stunned at this new phenom that I had met…the “snart”.
Then because I couldn’t do anything else, I laughed and wondered if class was ending early so that I could go and check my undies to see if any poop particles had escaped with my “snart”.