Over the years, I’ve traded in promiscuity for a few attempts at monogamy. I’ve also spent sometime attempting to get to know the people that I want to tumble in the hay and sometimes dating was just darn fun. Girls, men, transvestites, it’s all good times as you get to know someone new and start to explore this new human being over a classic dinner and a movie or a cup of coffee. I honestly love dating because it allows me one on one time with someone over an extended period of time. I’ve met a lot of people, dated a few and have made lasting memories with most.
A few of these people have been a goodly amount older than me. Naturally, I learned the most from them about what I want in a relationship. Not only that, but they taught me how to balance a relationship with other parts of your life and not be a royal bitch about it. However, when you have a 21-year old version of me dating a 39 year old man…shenanigans will probably ensue. Actually, shenanigans will always ensue, but they get darn hilarious when I’m 20 and he’s fourteen years older than me or when I’m 22 and 6 months younger than my mom.
As one of my new classmates this semester helps to prove, these shenanigans aren’t just my own. We were sitting in class on our break today, chatting around our little table and she shows us a picture of her family out at a restaurant. She points out here mom, her two aunts and one of her cousins with a really good looking man. Apparently she had decided to introduce him to some of her family, by taking them out to the restaurant where he’s a restaurant manager. She is 22 and he is 37.
So he’s at work, she and her family family are there and while they are waiting for their desserts, she asks to speak to the manager. Now, at this point in the story she stops to tell us that her family knew she was dating someone, but they didn’t know who he was and had naturally assumed that she was seeing someone her age from school. Which was wrong, oh-so-wrong, because she was dating a guy who was 15 years older than her that she’d met while eating in his restaurant for lunch one day. He thought she was older, she thought he was cute…cupid had spoken.
He brought out their desserts, fully knowing that he was going to be meeting some of his girlfriends family.
Instead her aunt, who was about the same age as him thought he was gorgeous and immediately started to hit on him. Compliments about his eyes, his shoulders, his wonderful restaurant and how tall he was all the while touching him. Apparently she had had her hands all over his biceps and she was even leaning against him while at the same time trying to show off her ample cleavage. Believe me on that point, I saw the pic and this woman had some rather large tata’s.
Rather large tata’s that she stopped showing off when her niece introduced her to her boyfriend that she was at that very moment groping and eying like tomorrow’s next big catch.
I had to laugh at this situation because it was similar to one of my own.
However in my telling, I was meeting his family. He was 39 summers to my 21 winters and he had somehow talked me into his younger brother and his wife, his best friend from childhood and his aunt. I figured he and I could cook them all dinner since he was teaching me how to cook at the time. Smart man that he was, he figured that the best idea would be to go out to his brothers favorite restaurant for dinner. He figured that we could all meet outside of the restaurant, have a couple drinks at the bar and then sit down for dinner. I was ok with that since I didn’t have a better idea.
Keep in mind that I was 21 at this time and my idea of dressing up was what I would wear to a job interview and my sense of style was, and is, next to none. The best I could do was the style my hair with all the cuteness and flair that I knew I had and do my best not to look like jail bait. I wore a pair of black cropped black dress pants that ended just under my knee, a cute green tube top with a black shrug and 3-inch black wedge heels. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m 5’9 and a little bit. Which means in 3-inch heels I’m an easy 6’0. My boyfriend (I’m hesitating with this term!) was 6’1 so I was ok with the heels.
Until we walked up to a group of people outside of the restaurant who were all under my natural 5’9.
Not only that but when we walked up to the bar and ordered drinks, I was the only one in the group who got carded. This brought up my age right away as they all wanted to look at my drivers license…Which had been taken when I was 16 and had the green stripe that told everyone that I was still technically a “New” driver and had yet to get a full drivers license. Ladies and gentlemen, let the cradle robbing jokes begin.
They asked the waiter if I could have a kids menu. I asked the waiter if he could make sure to puree and mush up all of their food so they wouldn’t have any issues with their dentures.
The meal went on like this. With them making jokes about my age and me making jokes back. It wasn’t in a bad nature at all though. It was fun, light bantering and everything seemed to be going really well until my guy decided to try and get me to try something off of his place. He was a foodie and it bothered him that I preferred Kraft Dinner to a gourmet meal and would rather eat Lipton Chicken Noodle soup whenever he tried to make me eat something foreign that I didn’t like the look or smell of. Sadly, in this case I couldn’t turn down this offering of fancy pants food because everyone else was eating the same thing while I was eating steak and potatoes.
It was a little tidbit of liver basically with something special done to it.
So my guy pops this little piece of liver into my mouth and not only does it taste like liver (I HATE LIVER!), but it tastes like a combination of snot and rotten juice. At this moment, I had two choices: 1) I could try to swallow it and probably gag all over it with a high chance of sicking up all over the table because of it or 2) I could spit it out.
So I went with my instinct. The liver whatever was sitting on my tongue and my mouth was closed because I figured that I could attempt to chew it. In that moment, as soon as I knew what was going to happen, my jaw dropped open and my tongue fell out of my mouth as I let the offensive piece of liver fall out onto my plate.
I swear the restaurant stopped. The waiter was frozen at our table refilling our waters and he was wide eyed as that piece of meat fell out of my mouth. Everyone else around the table was just shocked and also open mouthed as we all stared at the liver whatever that was sitting on my place and I calmly looked around the table and quietly stated…
“I am not old enough to like liver yet.”