My first dream of the New Year was a funny one. Well, it might not have been my very first dream, but it was the first one that I remembered and I actually woke up giggling from it. Legitimately, I woke up and laughed about it for a solid hour because it was just such a weird dream to have. Even for me.
In my dream, I really needed to go pee. I spent a solid hour in my car with my mom waiting to get home so that I could go pee. We finally got home after what seemed like forever and I ran up into the bathroom, sat down and realized that I had no memory or idea about…wiping.
I just sat there and was clueless. So I sat and sat and sat while I stared at the roll of toilet paper and debated on how to use it. I wondered what it was for. I knew somewhere in the back of my head that it was there for a reason and that I was supposed to do something with it after I did my business…
I just couldn’t figure it out for the life of me. At this point I really needed to pee, but was refusing to go until I knew what I was supposed to do with this roll of white thin paper that I vaguely remembered was called “toilet paper”.
It was at this point there was an “AH HA!” moment as I remembered my dad talking about this stuff and yelling at me that I always ate all of it whenever it was home. So I sampled a sheet. As I sat there nibbling on this thin piece of paper that I realized that this wasn’t for eating at all and this memory had led me astray. So I finished the sheet I had taken, because it’s bad to waste, and got up to go figure out what the Hell I was supposed to do with this “toilet paper”.
On my way out of the bathroom I took several rolls with me and went downstairs into a giant laboratory. It actually looked a lot like the lab in “Dexter’s Laboratory”. I don’t know how this laboratory got into my basement at home, but it was there and was at my full disposal as I tried to figure out “toilet paper”.
I drew up plans and diagrams for “toilet paper’s” use. I ran step by step tests on it’s potential uses. I dissolved TP sheets, I tore them up into confetti and had myself a little party and I drew pictures on it. I tried to use it to clean my teeth and I even shoved it up my nose as a decoration.
I tested and I tried. I ripped and even managed to use it to blow my nose with it. After wiping my nose and using it to clean out my ears, I started to wonder…
I knew what it was for. I remembered that this white, fluffy stuff is also known as “butt wipe.”
Thus detailed plans were drawn up. I made a detailed diagram for how I was supposed to use this “butt wipe”. Now keep in mind, this entire time, I really needed to pee, but was refusing to go until I could remember how to use this stuff. I was rushing and dancing at this point. I had a better idea of how to use this “butt wipe”, but I still wasn’t quite sure. But I really needed to go pee.
So I decided to skip all other tests and just go for it.
Everything was ok. I remembered how to use TP, I got to go pee and I woke up giggling because I went pee with two pieces of toilet paper hanging out of my nose as “decorations.”