I was sick today…It sucked and I’m not in too much of a mood to write anything. So I found something that I wrote back in March when I had the flu. I personally think it’s funny, but be warned…I didn’t tile this this “Projectile Pooping” for no reason. Here it is and…I warned you:
Have you ever had to take a shit so badly that you run to the toilet, sit down and as soon as you sit down your asshole hurts? And you feel that your colon needs to expel something, but even the act of sitting down creates this unbearable pressure? Well, that is the start of what I call “VIOLENT SHITTING”. You sit down and it hurts, the pressure in your asshole is insane. But you need to poop so you push and it hurts. You push and try to relax as you force whatever has built up in your poop shoot out your tiny brown flower. You push and it hurts but you still keep pushing because you sense relief is near and then…it happens. Suddenly your ass is no longer trying to hold onto the epic turd it has squirreled away and all sort of fecal matter comes shooting out your ass.
Literally, it comes flying out as your butt violently expels it’s waste into the proper waste receptacle. You feel like your anal cavity has exploded and worry about tearing something and having to wear a butt plug or diaper the rest of your life.
Then as suddenly as it started, it’s over. You feel like your ass has been torn a part and like there is now a gaping hole where your delicate little puckered brown hole used to be. All you can do is sit there and be relieve that it’s over.
This is what I call “VIOLENT SHITTING.”
However, because I am sick with a cold/flu thingy that both my dad, sister (who doesn’t live at home even) and I have, I am not only violently shitting, but I am also doing what I call “PROJECTILE POOPING.”
That is to say, as soon as I feel the need to take a dump, I race to the bathroom, tear my shorts down as I’m slamming the bathroom door shut and barely sitting down on the toilet before the feces that has suddenly appeared in my pooper comes shooting out. Though I will admit, sometimes I have to waddle to the bathroom like a penguin as quick as I possibly can because I need to clench my butt cheeks together in order to keep my projectiles from projectiling into my shorts rather than in the proper waste receptacle. I’m pretty sure with taking this kind of shit, I could simply pull down my shorts, bend over and let her fly because my ass is so manically shooting shit out of it that it would all just fly somewhere and barely any would get on me.
This is why I call it “PROJECTILE POOPING”.