Entry 13 – 101 Things About Me

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I did this once before on another blog and it was actually a lot of fun. It’s weird what you find out about yourself when you have to sit down and really think about it. So in all my narcissistic glory, here are 101 things about me:

  1. When I was 13 my arms were 5 feet 9 inches long. That’s how I knew I was going to grow another inch.
  2. When I was about 4 years old I was dance around in my room to “Strokin” by Clarence Carter.
  3. My first concert that I ever went to was Gob with guest stars Bowling For Soup (before they turned into a shitty teenie bopper punk band)
  4. I suck my thumb.
  5. My mom made me a blueberry pancake for breakfast.
  6. I have a cousin that is 3 days older than me…along with 100-odd other cousins in varying ages.
  7. I used to have a plantar wart on my right foot and would image little gnomes attacking it with pick axes until it fell off.
  8. I let one of my closest friends stick needles in my mouth…Don’t worry, she’s a dental hygienist.
  9. Pepsi is my preferred cola.
  10. I tan easily. Just put me under direct UV light and I’ll change colour in under 15 minuets.
  11. I have a doodle bear named Zoodle that my friend Ashlynn gave me in grade nine and I carry him just about everywhere with me.
  12. My friend Vanessa gave me a Cartman pillow when I was 23 and I drag him everywhere with me too.
  13. I’ve played basketball since I was 8 years old.
  14. I started playing softball when I was 5.
  15. The only reason why I started playing volleyball was because I was bored.
  16. Someday I want to backpack the world.
  17. In one softball season, I pitched in about 10 practices and 10 games and I beaned about 23 people.
  18. I live on a mountain.
  19. I’m afraid of clowns, though it is a managable fear.
  20. I refuse to eat tomatoes unless they’re in tomatoe sauce or ketchup.
  21. I love ketchup chips.
  22. I have a hand fetish.
  23. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
  24. No one has ever told me why the “birds and the bees talk” is about the birds and the bees.
  25. Bean bag chairs shock my rock.
  26. I love to say “shock my rock”; its my catch phrase.
  27. Me and my younger sister often feel each others pain.
  28. Driving across North America is one of my future goals.
  29. One of my favorite scents is fresh cut grass.
  30. I have a tattoo on my right shoulder of my favorite cartoon character.
  31. I’m getting a tattoo on my right wrist of a butterfly with devil horns.
  32. I love watching porn.
  33. I’m a hopeless romantic.
  34. I love the song “Bring Me Flowers” by Hope.
  35. I still love the Spice Girls.
  36. Pregnant bellies terrify me.
  37. I play Dungeons & Dragons Online.
  38. Dad and I used to play fight in grocery stores and people would give us funny looks because it looked like he was kicking my ass.
  39. Mom makes the best chocolate chip cookies ever.
  40. Nana makes the best penut butter cookies in the world.
  41. I am the fourth generation in a long line of women and sometimes I get scared that it’ll end here.
  42. My Grandma has over 100 descendants.
  43. I have size 10 feet…in mens sizes.
  44. I have a hammock in my room.
  45. My dad and I can’t play fight in front of our dog, Moose because Moose will bite me.
  46. I love pickles
  47. My younger sister once bet me that I couldn’t keep my virginity until I was 21. I lost and we rented a movie with that she won.
  48. I love eating watermelon.
  49. My biggest pet peeve are people who won’t leave me alone when I’m in the last 5 chapters of a good book.
  50. I make my own jewelry.
  51. I own over 1000 books that I’ve collected since I was 16.
  52. I have a younger sister named Tiffany and we can recite whole sections of Winnie the Pooh cartoons together.
  53. My major is Criminology.
  54. I had a dream last night about getting a tattoo and the tattoo sucked but it didn’t hurt at all getting it.
  55. I used to work for Vera’s Burger Shack and I once accidentally punted a burger into the dining area.
  56. I really really have to pee.
  57. I just went pee.
  58. The song “Viva Forever” by the Spice Girls just ended.
  59. I enjoy bondage because it helps me learn to sit still and lets me have a strange insight into myself as a person.
  60. Secretly (not so much now) I’m terrified of what I’m going to do when I finish my degree.
  61. I used to have a cat named Shotgunn.
  62. My cousin Phil used to make the best Mr. Noodle ever. Ever.
  63. My older cousin Kyle used to make us watch the move “Congo” over and over again when we were kids. It’s now one of my favorite movies of all time.
  64. I tell everyone I love them whenever I say bye to them because it might be the last time I get to say something to them.
  65. I used to have a blankey I called my Softie but now its all in pieces, but I still sleep with a piece of it.
  66. My mom has to keep emergency pieces of my Softie in case I lose one.
  67. Men who are naturally dominant turn me on.
  68. I hate running though all the sports I play are running sports.
  69. The only sports I’ll watch in TV are NCAA Basketball and Rugby.
  70. Yo Yo’s amuse me.
  71. I used to own a silver Saturn SCI that I named Burrita (Loosely translated it means “Little donkey”).
  72. I used to have dreadlocks that went halfway down my back.
  73. My hair is currently the shortest it’s been since I was born.
  74. I curse and swear way too often, but I’m slowly working that out of my system.
  75. My sister and I used to think that putting a tie on meant we were dressed up.
  76. I still have the boxers I made in grade 8.
  77. Pretty sure my mom has all the teeth my sister and I have ever lost.
  78. Sometimes when I’m driving I’ll stop to look at a rainbow to make sure I’m not near the end of it because I don’t want to be attacked by a leprechaun.
  79. Midgets scare me and when I see them, sometimes I want to kick them.
  80. I still know all the words to the song “4 Hugs A Day”.
  81. I used to sleep with a basketball.
  82. When I was about 16 I had a black bear hampster named Cougar who lived in a bird cage.
  83. My favorite colour is purple. Its also my fave colour to dye my hair.
  84. My nose is uber senstive. I can smell a lot of things before others can.
  85. I liked living in dorms. I loved having that one little room all to myself. It was just right for me.
  86. I thought the 4th of July fireworks that I saw when I was in Colorado were amazing and better than the ones I’ve seen in BC.
  87. During my grade 12 year I coached a Jr. Boys Basketball team.
  88. One of my favorite quotes is “Life ain’t always beautiful, but it sure is a beautiful ride.”
  89. My eyes are my best feature, I think.
  90. I love that my mom and I have the same beauty mark under one of our eyes.
  91. The left side of my life is  pierced.
  92. I got my tongue pierced with one of my roommates as a bonding thing.
  93. I once went swimming in a frog pond…It was really just a stinky over sized puddle but I still had fun.
  94. When I was a baby my dad tossed me into the ceiling rather than the classic dropping me on my head.
  95. I get jealous when my dad pays too much attention to other kids.
  96. “Mariella” by Kate Nash is one of my all time favorite songs.
  97. I sing that song from the South Park movie that’s supposed to help the kids stop swearing while I cook somtimes.
  98. I just realized the dirtiness of the title “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut”.
  99. My family has two dogs, Betsy and Moose and one feral cat, Bob.
  100. It only took me about an hour to do this.
  101. I still have no idea what I’m doing with this blog.

 

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Day 12 – Gah!

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Thanks to my internet going down, I wasn’t able to make a post.

Every now and again, I feel like telling a story. So I start writing and I write and type and write and type until I either get bored or I’m ready to move onto something else. The following is something the was stuck in my head yesterday and demanded a quick telling until my sister and her girlfriend came home for a visit.

I will be honest. I was tired, dog tired, bone weary and just plain burnt out when I limped back into my guilds house this eve. King Jhotan had summoned me early in the morning and asked me to accompany a hunting party out into the Golden Peak Forest to remove a group of minotaur’s who had moved into the forest and were “being a pain”, as the good King put it.

Sometimes being stuck in His Majesty’s service while you were in training was a pain.

Our orders were to capture their leader alive and bring him in for questioning about the weapons and the people who had been disappearing into a forest that has always been a safe place for the kings people to hunt and gather in. The leaders name was Chieftain Zaarakos and he always had his shaman by his side who was one of Clan Threbek’s Soul Stealers.

I’ll admit that I groaned upon hearing this and promptly flopped onto the floor, grabbed ten candles from my pack and began whispering prayers of soul binding for each of the men standing in the hall with me. I missed the rest of our orders as a result, but I would rather properly perform my prayers than screw up in the field because I didn’t have enough to complete them or have my concentration else where while I asked the Goddess Thaleni to protect these men’s souls and borrowed her power to bind them to their bodies. I also took the time to make an offering of bulls blood to Haidan and sent his aura of strength washing over the group.

Our mission was easier said than done. Sure, it all started out nice and easy when we found the minotaur’s and quickly incapacitated or killed everyone in the camp and captured Zaarakos. It was the one hour ride home that turned into seven hours of us battling our way out of a normally calm and peaceful forest that was hard. What made it worse was the fact that in order for us to force the minotaur Chieftain to move with us, I had to bind body to my will so that he would be under my control and forced to follow me wherever I went or I would be able to do whatever I wanted with him.

Then things only got worse when we realized that it was the Shaman Soul Eater who was chasing us and directing ambush attacks that would hit our flanks and often divide our party into two. Eventually I wound up off my horse along with the two wizards in our party running behind the party and painting runes of protection and shield onto trees every fifty paces while the wizards held up invisible walls on either side of our party. That didn’t mean that we didn’t get hit and hit hard though. As much time as I spent painting ruins, I also spent fighting Zaarakos who was fighting his bonds while I tried to keep the men in my group semi-healthy and battle ready. I felt every bruise, concussion and pain the men felt in battle and I tried to take that all away from them as soon as I could find the injury. I felt their panic as I tried to keep them all flooded with a sense of calm. And it all was horrible while attached to a fighting and mean minotaur.

The final bit of fun came as we neared the edge of the forest and a clearing where a group from the Tempest hoard would be camped. As we neared the clearing I climbed back onto my horse and dug out a candle and began to pray that Tohr was in an accommodating mood and would decide to help us rather than free our minotaur prisoner. Gripping my horse between my knees, I silently chanted down the luck of my Goddess, Thaleni and slowly called and directed her protectors spirit and tried to channel it into Tohr’s spirit as I felt his being getting closer as we rode on.

“Silly child,” the minotaur Chieftain laughed behind me as he tugged at the invisible bonds that held him and forced him to march along surrounded by the five of the Kings Eagle Eye’s. “Your magic is showing,” he growled out at me on a laugh and pushed his spirit hard against the bonds I’d tied to his physical being.

Day 11 – I Can’t Cook

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I will be the first to admit that I’m not very self sufficient in the “living alone” department. All through my childhood and teen years, my mom and dad were there looking after me. My mom especially. And when my mom wasn’t there, there was always someone there taking care of me. Mom woke me up for school, made my pre-game pancakes, packed my lunch, knew where my basketball shoes were, washed all of my stinky and sweaty jerseys and socks and took care of all my sprains, pulls, tears and ouchies. I’m an independent being, there is a lot in this world that I can do well on my own without instruction, but when it comes down to actually taking care of the basics of simply living, I suck. What’s worse is that I’ve been on my own off and on since 2005 and I still haven’t quite gotten the hang of not having my mom around.

Case in point: When getting reading for rugby games I used to have to call home so that my mom could help me go over my list of things I needed or guaranteed, I was forgetting something important like my socks or, God’s forbid, my actual rugby boots.

However, the worst of my transgressions in the “living alone” department fall under the category of “cooking”. Not only will I be the first to admit that I suck at living alone, but I will also be the first to admit that I can’t cook very well. I mean, I know how to cook the basics like scrambled eggs, grilled cheese, chicken noodle soup, mushroom soup (Cambell’s out of a can!), Kraft Dinner, spaghetti and chili, but beyond all of that, I’m pretty useless. If I have to stick something in the oven, I’m probably burning it. If I have to fry something in a pan, I’m probably setting it on fire. If I have to boil it in a pot, I’m probably going to burn my hand some way and some how. The only real safe way for me too cook is to either be directly supervised or to make it in the microwave.

Which has led me to being an excellent microwave chef. I’m pretty sure that I have attempted to cook everything I’ve come across in the microwave. Eggs? Yeah, I’m a pro at tasty microwave omlettes. Fries? It’s often quicker than the oven. Pizza? I prefer soggy pizza and it’s quicker than the oven. Soup? It’s quicker and therefore tastier from the microwave. Pasta? I have cooked enough spaghetti to feed 13 people in my dorms just by using a microwave.

Aside from my shenanigans with a microwave, I’ve managed to set grilled cheese on fire (Age 16 – element caught on fire so I flipped the pan with my sammich over to smother the flame and made it worse), as well as several  pizzas (Ages 14-23 – the worst was when it was just two little Mini Pizza’s that spontaneously combusted). I’ve also wound up with funny tasting soup (Age 21 – I no longer add strange beans to my soup), pancakes that cook to the pan (Ages 20-24 – Most recently when I tried to add banana slices to my recipe),  and cake that’s black on the outside and still runny in the middle (Age 19 – I tried to make one from scratch to surprise my boyfriend…he was still surprised, but it was by the mess I made). I’ve seen some of the stuff I’m cooking randomly start itself on fire, congeal into one giant weird mass of BLOB and even just avoid being properly cooked and head straight into the land of “It’s so burnt I couldn’t use it as a weapon because that would be unnecessarily cruel”.

However, I am now the ripe old age of 24 and am quickly heading towards that quarter of a century mark, so I figure it’s time I learned how to cook. Or cook more than Kraft Dinner and soup out of a can. Sadly this past semester and next semester I will remain microwave-less which means my options for quick eats is down to what I can make the will leave enough leftovers for me to eat. Plus salad and a lot of tater tots. That’s not overly healthy though, so I’ve been looking for some slightly better options in the cooking department where I can make quick and easy dishes that will last me beyond one meal. Ideally, I’d probably make something for lunch and then eat the rest for dinner later or eat something for dinner and have the rest for lunch the next day. Now, I also know that I’m very scatterbrained and tend to either get wrapped up in a good book, doing homework or just about anything that I find more enjoyable than cooking, so I know everything I make has to be quick or I have to be able to stick it in the oven for a period of time and not watch it every second that it’s cooking.

Thankfully, I’ve started to  master roasted chicken and potatoes and chicken/turkey/beef/moose stew, but I can only eat that stuff so much before I get sick of it. I also realize that more often than not, I’m going to be eating Sapporo noodles or Cambell’s Mushroom Soup because it’s quick and easy so I probably should be able to cook somewhat healthy sides that I can nomnomnom on to balance out my diet. Again, I’ll be the first to say that my diet last semester sucked. I lived off of mostly canned soup, Kraft Dinner, pizza, tater tots and oranges. This led to my generally not eating because I just got sick of cooking the only foods that I really know how to safely cook without setting my home on fire or poisoning myself.

Therefore, I am entering next semester fully armed with 5 new recipes that will hopefully spice up my feeding regimen and a cool iPod app that will let me look up more good feeding ideas as I truck my way through what will probably be the most boring semester in the history of me. So far I have a neat recipe for BBQ Pulled Chicken, a Greek Salad sammich idea, a recipe for ground turkey (or moose meat in my case) calzones and a neat smoothie recipe as well.

They’re all fairly easy recipes, don’t seem to be overly difficult to make and hopefully won’t lead to me burning any arm hairs off or somehow exploding dough all over the room. Though…next semester isn’t here yet, so we’ll have to wait and see.

What are some of your favorite and quick recipes you love?

 

 

Day 10 – Projectile Pooping

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I was sick today…It sucked and I’m not in too much of a mood to write anything. So I found something that I wrote back in March when I had the flu. I personally think it’s funny, but be warned…I didn’t tile this this “Projectile Pooping” for no reason. Here it is and…I warned you:

Have you ever had to take a shit so badly that you run to the toilet, sit down and as soon as you sit down your asshole hurts? And you feel that your colon needs to expel something, but even the act of sitting down creates this unbearable pressure? Well, that is the start of what I call “VIOLENT SHITTING”. You sit down and it hurts, the pressure in your asshole is insane. But you need to poop so you push and it hurts. You push and try to relax as you force whatever has built up in your poop shoot out your tiny brown flower. You push and it hurts but you still keep pushing because you sense relief is near and then…it happens. Suddenly your ass is no longer trying to hold onto the epic turd it has squirreled away and all sort of fecal matter comes shooting out your ass.

Literally, it comes flying out as your butt violently expels it’s waste into the proper waste receptacle. You feel like your anal cavity has exploded and worry about tearing something and having to wear a butt plug or diaper the rest of your life.

Then as suddenly as it started, it’s over. You feel like your ass has been torn a part and like there is now a gaping hole where your delicate little puckered brown hole used to be. All you can do is sit there and be relieve that it’s over.

This is what I call “VIOLENT SHITTING.”

However, because I am sick with a cold/flu thingy that both my dad, sister (who doesn’t live at home even) and I have, I am not only violently shitting, but I am also doing what I call “PROJECTILE POOPING.”

That is to say, as soon as I feel the need to take a dump, I race to the bathroom, tear my shorts down as I’m slamming the bathroom door shut and barely sitting down on the toilet before the feces that has suddenly appeared in my pooper comes shooting out. Though I will admit, sometimes I have to waddle to the bathroom like a penguin as quick as I possibly can because I need to clench my butt cheeks together in order to keep my projectiles from projectiling into my shorts rather than in the proper waste receptacle. I’m pretty sure with taking this kind of shit, I could simply pull down my shorts, bend over and let her fly because my ass is so manically shooting shit out of it that it would all just fly somewhere and barely any would get on me.

This is why I call it “PROJECTILE POOPING”.

Day 9 – Career Counselling Part 1

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I remember this one conversation that I had with my mom very clearly. I was 16, in grade 11 and we were driving home one night from a volleyball practice. Now, at this stage in my life, everything was about basketball and the rest was just details. I was doing 1000 different ab exercises before I went to sleep at night, I was in the gym every spare moment that I could find working on free throws or post work and I’m pretty sure that I went to school somewhere between shooting hoops at lunch time and practices/games after school. I was obsessed and my mom asked me the one question I hadn’t thought about until that point…

“What are you going to do after high school?”

My instant answer was to play basketball. I had plans to leave home and go and play university ball. It would just be like high school, only on a higher level. My mom had other idea. Her answer to my answer was that I couldn’t play basketball for the rest of my life so I had to have something to do after high school.

And my mind went blank. I just sat there and really didn’t have an idea of what I wanted to do. Like I said, life outside of basketball was just details. So my mom and I had that talk. This one was less awkward than the time she tried to talk to me about my period and we arrived at a conclusion…

Me: I don’t know what I want to do, mom.
Mom: Why don’t you be a lawyer? You have that strong useless look about ya.

Of course we laughed at the pretty woman reference, but we both knew it was about as good of an idea as any for me. I loved to argue, I was charismatic and therefore highly persuasive and I was a natural in the public speaking arena . Honestly, I couldn’t think of anything else that I could possibly want to do anyway. At that time, being a lawyer just made darn good sense in my books, so I stuck with that idea like a piece of gum falls out of my mouth while I sleep and then it gets stuck in my hair…then I proceed to roll around in bed just to really mash it in there. From that day forward, I was a lawyer-to-be and nothing was going to stop me.

Day 8 – Conscious

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I am conscious that I should be writing. Throughout the day I am forming words, sentences, paragraphs and stories in my head. Some of these make it to paper.

2 minuets and I miss Day 8.

I hope today was a safe and happy day for everyone.

Day 7 – Missed

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In all the greatness of Christmas Eve…I forgot to write! So here is Day 7…and hour and a half late.

Ever since I was about 10 years old I’ve been going Christmas shopping with my dad on Christmas Eve. I actually don’t remember when we haven’t taken part of this oh so fun Christmas tradition. Dad wakes me up early, I get dragged to Kamloops and we shop for mom. In past years he’s simply handed me a stack of cash and let me go crazy, other years we gone from store to store to store searching for the perfect gift for mom. This year, we knew what we wanted to get her so all we had to do was drive to all the different stores to get it all and then finish up our day by going to get mom her Christmas flowers.

After that we all came home and I watched TV with my dad and then gave our small dog, Betsy, her Christmas bath and wrapped moms presents.

This is a disgustingly short entry…but what can I say?

Tis the season to be with family and forget all other shenanigans.